The Day I Had No Voice

Just before my parents came back and before I caught this chikungunya bull shit, they fogged in a neighbouring area, driving all of the Mosquitos to Wanstead Gardens. As I was being maul springed by the bitches I used this insect repellant my cousin left back and within 

10 minutes, my right tonsil went on me. I couldn't talk, I couldn't swallow and worst of all, I couldn't sing. 

I'm accustomed to driving mum's jeep with my music up to all and singing at the top of my lungs. That day, I had no voice. Everytime one of my favourite tunes came on I had no voice, I couldn't scream and shout and let it all out, I couldn't lose to win again, I couldn't let any bitch kill my vibe and I couldn't be flawless. That's when I realised, that I have a gift, one I don't use and maybe it's the avenue, finding the right one, but there is something about singing to others that feel what you feel. 

I have sung in almost every capacity, but there is nothing like singing the Holy Ghost spirit to some souls that need it, guess that's from coming up in the church. But I feel everything, once that spirit gets in my bones, whether it's jazz, RnB, Gospel and even Hip Hop, the way it comes out, I feel good and I feel happy. 

The day I lost my voice made me realise that we are given so many talents but it's up to us to choose how to use them. I might not use mine in the way I should, and I need to get back in that space , but I urge you to use your talents. Don't waste them. You never know what you'll be missing. You'll never know whose lives you will and can touch. 

Sing, Write, Read, do what you do best, but don't lose that voice. 

May the Road RISE to meet you! 

Gros Bisous

Vernée 

A Love Letter to My Body

Dear Body, 

  We've come a LONG way. From being a bit skinny to a lot chubby, to me hating you and then loving parts of you. Phew, it's been a ride. We still have a love/hate relationship but but what girl doesn't?  I'm here to tell you, despite your hammy thighs, chub chub tum and gargantuan arms, I am still somehow deeply in love with you. 

Dear Body, those two ingrown pinkies have been your birth mark since childhood, and nail polish covers them up very well, no need to fear your long big toe nail beds make up for everything and your slim and small feet make them beautiful. Stop stressing. 

Yes your eczema pulls a shadow on your smooth legs and makes even your greasiest foot look dry but baby that's why they made E45 cream. Knock those scabs out of the park.  

Unfortunately, we've let the thighs get away a but dem ain ugly yet, thick thighs and short pants tuh de wurl! 

Dear Body, can we skip the midsection? That's a work in progress. Thanks. But we can go to those boobs and say thank you grandmother for genes that you thought I needed to possess even though they're painful to all, but in the right bra and shirt, you know you love those babies, hell, you got a sternum tattoo with the excuse to show them off a bit. Good for you! 

Let us thank The Divine for these tiny hands, slender fingers and long nail beds. They are extra beautiful when I put on my rings. Boom! 

But again body, can we just excuse these enormous arms:- work in progress! Thank you very much! 

Now on to this face that I struggled with for YEARS. To my dimple, you bring me joy. To $6500 and 3 years of braces, I love to smile. Wha shoot, Ah gotta show off de man money. To this nose I flattened during 12 years of sucking my finger, I wouldn't change it for the world. And to these eyes that hold the keys to my soul, brown eyed girl, I love you so. 

To this hair that I never know what I want to do with, natural, loc'ed or straightened I love you nonetheless.

Finally to this skin, to this complexion I hated for at least the 1st 16 years of my life. To this velvety skin, skin so smooth, I never need to cream (well except my legs) I've finally accepted to salute you. I salute you because darkies rule. I salute you because I let society's idea of beauty tell me what you should be. I am sorry for all the years I was angry at you and unless my children strike back to their grandparents, I cannot wait to bring a beautiful dark skinned baby into this world.

To my body:-

You're all I have, and I'd rather love you and put on my cute clothes and flaunt than hate you. 

I must admit, that as much as my mind has lost its muchness, my booty is bigger and I'll accept that over being a raging diet-a-holic any day. 

I love you. 

Yours always,

Vernée 

May the road RISE to meet you. 

If this isn't Love

 Jazmine Sullivan started off with 'Nobody ever love me, quite like you, your love is like... I got a real good dude who loves me a lot and ain't no other man is gonna take his spot and I, I'm so happy you're mine, so imma love you a long time.'

These last three weeks have been a blur, but there was nothing more exciting than waiting to hear the gate open, those feet climb the steps, and keys turn the lock. 

Why?

Because my baby was home. I never realised our connection until we spent the last three weeks together. I guess it was more like an introduction to what living together would be like and even though he holds me at night like he's afraid that I'm going to leave, I've found myself craving that hug, falling asleep on his chest and even rolling over in the morning after being way to high off my meds even though I can never remember his kiss goodbye with the best part smelling his side knowing that he'll be home soon to give me annoying hugs and kisses.

I feel his pain and he feels mine but it hurts more when he is down mostly because I'm accustomed to being down. 

'If this isn't love, then tell me what it is cuz' I've never felt like this baby, if this isn't love, l o v e, what it means to me I o v e, if this isn't love'. 

Doesn't matter what you want to call him:- boyfriend, fiancé or Kyle this dude is or has done something to me. As I lay on his pillow and smell his cologne, I dread tomorrow night and sleeping alone.

To Kyle D. Barrow, an ode to you, for making me a better person, for standing by through 50 fucked up shades of Vernée and for being so amazing and annoying at the same time. To you my love, Everytime I put that ring on I already feel you in my soul.

Honey boo boo, your love is bright as ever, even in the shadows, baby take me, before they turn the lights out. My heart is calling and it's crashing into you, baby kiss me, before they turn the lights out. In the darkest night hour, I'll search through the crowd and baby you're all that I see, I'll give you everything, baby love me lights out. I love you like XO, you love me like XO, you give me more XO, I love you like XO, baby you're all that I see and give me everything, baby love me lights out, can you turn the lights out?

Funny how songs can fully explain how we feel right? 

Not now but forever. 

With endless words left unsaid.

These are the words from my head. 

Just Vernée 

He might have been an Anti-Semite...

Walter Disney might have been an anti-Semite i.e. For those who don't know what that means, he wasn't a big fan of Jews, but he found a way to bring happiness to every child and a way to calm my stormiest days. 

I say this in that, Disney movies have been (even at the age of 27 and I suspect until the day I die) the driving force behind my singing, my happiness and my way to keep in contact with my inner child. Who knows, maybe that's why kids love me so much. 

Today is a Disney Day. And not Bambi or Lion King cuz' I'll just bawl my eyes out. It's a Disney Princess day. I plan on singing Part of your World, Under the Sea, Going down the Bayou, Just Around The River Bend, Colours of The Wind, Beauty and The Beast, A Whole New World, Do you Want to Build a Snowman and most of all Let it Go. 

It might not work for everyone but on a bad day like this Disney has always been my pick me upper. It has showed me that singing can take your blues away, even for that moment. 

Disney and its Princesses are my escape, I hope that on bad days you find yours, and once it's a healthy escape, use it, love it, appreciate it with all your heart. I might not sing in public anymore but believe that a bit of singing will go down in this bed and room of isolation today. 

I love and treasure all of you. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernée 💋

Electric-City

Imagine this for a headline:- 'No more electricity to power the world! Earth working on two spare generators.'

I wish I had a generator right now. Soooo here's what happened, my god daughter came up to me, 'Aunty, the TV won't come on', I go 'What do you mean? Did you turn it off by accident?' She said 'No'. So I told her to check to see if my fan is still on and she came back with a frantic 'No Aunty'. So cool, calm, collective me went 'the electricity is just off'. Note, I ain got nuh data on my phone, and uhm brek (to be truthful, If I ain working, I'm home so my philosophy is if you don't have my home phone number, ya really ain that important to me cuz ya cud call me pon my cell) so therefore life for me right now consists of nature. Wait! Did I mention that I am internally freaking out? My fan ain wukkin and nuh wind ain cain thru muh winda, ah could see de Mosquitos starting a swarm and ah hear a buzz pass my ear just now. It's only suh much life de computer got and de internet gone so ah cyan even post this til de lil power come back on! Oh the horror!! 

But at the same time, I can hear the birds chirping, the trees by my neighbour rustling and the clanging of the metal plate we have on our wall with whatever little wind is blowing. It's even pushed my god daughter to bathe early (nuh lie, ya does gotta beg she to bathe, but once de water hit, she in a singing and preaching frenzy, yes Sista Shanté! Hallelujer!) and read the last two stories in her book. 

It's a blessing and a curse, the electricity going off, but there's a stillness in the atmosphere that cannot be measured on any scale. It's like it's almost surreal. I like it but I can't tek these Mosquitos and this heat so BL&P sort out wunna self! 

LaBellaVee or Vernée if ya please! 

*snicker*

May the road RISE to meet you. 

Matters of the mind

A lot of people know little about me. There's this thing that I've now been tagged in three times with 25 things people don't know about you. I'm certainly not here to give you 25 things but to enlighten you to a day in the mentally awesome world of Vernée. 

For those who know nothing of what goes on on the inside, I'm a controlled diabetic and I'm hypertensive. Mostly because I'm stressed all the time. Most of you might wonder 'but why she stressed, she ain got nuh children'. I utterly hate that. Because I have no children does not mean that you cannot be stressed from other things. And please do not come to me with the 'but you live at home and your parents look after you' bs, or the 'look at it this way, there are people less fortunate than you'. I am clearly aware of ALL of these things, but it does not make my mind any better. 

Let me explain. Underneath happy, kind, and seemingly strong Vernée is a woman with a broken mind. I have been, since I was 11, diagnosed with depression. This started with pre-adolescence and me thinking my parents didn't understand me and me finding love within myself. Might I also throw in that I'm a chronic insomniac. Do you know what it's like taking sleeping pills from the time you were 12/13? It's nothing good. Many of you may have wondered how I lost all of that weight last year and have now out every bit of it back on. It was and has nothing to do with discipline. Due to the fact that I had predisposed mental issues, the HCG hormone did NOT agree with me mentally. I am now manic depressive, I have 4 personality disorders:- antisocial disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder and paranoid disorder. I am also diagnosed bipolar and suffer from constant anxiety and panic attacks. Every night I pop 4 pills for these issues and if I want the sleep process to happen faster, I may pop 6. I also take one capsule in the morning to help stabilise my mood swings. So here goes:- A day in the mind of Vernée.

I wake up, and going back to sleep depends on the manner in which I've woken up. Happy, in the middle, or it's not a good day. A happy day means I've had a happy night and I've slept through the night. In the middle means I've just slept through the night and a bad day means I've tossed and turned and have had horrible dreams. I hardly have an appetite now, but when I get hungry I can eat all of Stone Mountain.  So maybe I'll eat or maybe I won't but I'll drink more than a gallon of water for sure. Why do I worry? Why am I stressed? (Those cause the anxiety attacks by the way) 

I worry because I am 27 and still live at home. I have been making my own money since I was 11 and it hurts me to my core (even as I am typing this water is coming to my eyes) to know that I have been through all the stages of school and degrees minus the doctorate I plan on doing in 2016, Lord having spareth my life, that I cannot, no, CANNOT get a job despite my degree being a specialised degree that is needed here in Barbados. It bugs me that even though I am approaching two years as to being back home that I still have not adapted myself to living with my parents, which then coincides with the antisocial-ness and I isolate myself to the confines of my room. It also annoys me that my parents often forget that I am an adult and while I will always appreciate their concern for me, I am capable of making my own decisions and learning from my mistakes. 

The mind of Vernée is a complexed one. It houses an IQ of over 150 but is too broken to realise it's own potential. It is so caught up with the future that it cannot recognise the present.

Why am I telling you all of this? So that when you look at an average person having a bad day you don't just call them a bitch or judge. You have no idea what they're going through. I'm also telling you this to bring awareness to mental health. Yes everyone talks about cancers and all of these other diseases, but no one talks about suicide? Do you know how many times I've either thought about committing suicide or have tried? We tend to dismiss mental health like it's not an important issue, but when a high school kid shoots up a school we blame TV and video games. I call that bullshit. A cop out. We have no idea what goes on in the minds of our youth or adults. We don't know what they face on a daily basis. We don't know what scares them. Wanna know what scares me? Death, not finding a job, not being able to pay my bills, not being able to get pregnant again. And that's just someone who lives at home with their parents. What about the teenager who gets bullied everyday? Or the young girl who sells herself and her body because her family can't afford to give her what she wants. Same goes for that young boy who wants more and gets manipulated by an older gentleman or woman? 

Mental health is not a game to be played with. It is a serious discussion we must have in our households and in our schools. Look for the signs. Look for the kid or adult who pulls away from others, look for the person who seems down all the time. Don't just gossip, ask questions, let them know that they can talk to you. Even if it's just a shoulder to lean on. A time to vent. Urge them to seek medical help, i.e, a psychologist, psychiatrist, a counsellor, anyone that is qualified to help them in their time of need. 

I neglected my issues for a period of time and my anger started to fester, but I'm back with my help and I have lovely friends and a doting fiancé who helps along the way. My family is slightly old school and can't fully understand, well mostly because I don't always tell them because I don't want them to worry and because in their day people apparently didn't suffer from these things (true convo). 

I just want my story to be an inspiration to you. To be your brother's/sister's keeper. Be hyper vigilant but most of all just be there. 

No, I'm not crazy, I just have some shit I'm dealing with. It would be cool if you'd help somebody deal with their shit too. 

With many words left unsaid, these are the thoughts from my head. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernée 

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Eric Garner, Mike Brown, Ezell Ford, John Crawford III. 4 unarmed black men killed by Unites States Police Officers in the past month. Some have been labelled as thugs, thieves, gang bangers, violent sociopaths, one was even mentally challenged, but it's not the fact that our young men are dying, it's how they're being portrayed. They say Mike Brown now fits the suspect that was seen at the convenience store robbery that happened hours before, but when the police officer saw him and shot him he had not a single weapon on is body. Actually, after the first two times he was shot, he turned around and put his hands up to show he had nothing, to surrender, and then was still shot 8 more times. 

Ezell Ford was mentally disabled and complying with police laying on the floor when he was shot. The police would not even tell his mother where he was being hospitalised before he died. He died alone.

Eric Garner was put in a choke hold because he allegedly was resisting arrest for once more allegedly illegally selling cigarettes. 

John Crawford III was playing with a toy handgun when he was gunned down. What more can I say about that?

They're those that say social outrage occurs when there's a shooting of an unarmed man, we should be focusing more on black on black violence, but wait, hold up, what do you think we've been trying to prevent for years? We set up community centers, after school programs and we try to raise our children in a way that in educating themselves they do not fall victim to the pressures and ills of society. This in itself is not a race issue, because all races kill one another. Genocide, 'weeding out the bad seeds', those happen within every race. Must I go to the paper I wrote on Genocide and the effect it has on society psychologically? Because I could. 

Why I say the revolution will not be televised is because we are now in the age of warfare. Where black kids are afraid to walk the streets. In Barbados, we're more afraid that our house will be raided because of some error made by Police, or some kind of erroneous excuse of a death by Police Officers. We're afraid of our circumstances because things are getting so unbelievably grim that youth are dropping at our feet. Romario Yarde, 20, killed on Sunday, Mark Walton (age unknown) but killed last Monday, by who? A 18 yr old and 20 yr old.

The Revolution will not be televised. 

The day where our young boys in Barbados, are hunted and gunned down like deer by Police, just like they're doing in the US, we will see war, we will see blood in the streets, we will see protests, we will see our prison cells full and I will sit and say, 'The revolution will not be televised. 

What sparked this blog just now was a video my friend shared on FaceBook. It hurt me to my core. A young girl was being mouthy, ok, police told her to leave, she started walking off, one white officer decided that he was going to grab her back and by instinct her brother stepped in to help dissolve the situation. He was then thrown to the ground, with one officer's knee on his neck, and the officer who grabbed his sister pinning him down handcuffing him, all the while he was was asking 'what did I do? That's my sister'. It made me think of my own four brothers and what they would do for me, and the fact that we all know I would sit in a jail cell for them. But to know that you stepped in to help diffuse the situation to save your sister and that's what happens, what if someone attacks your mother or father, cousin, aunt, grandparent? Are you to sit idly by? Excuse my language right now, but the revolution will not be fucking televised. 

I am not a Pan-Africanist, I am not a freedom fighter but I AM human, I bleed the same red blood as everyone else and therefore can formulate my own opinions. I AM a feminist, and I will until the day I die, work towards the rights of young women and girls all over this world, because in the end we only have each other to lean on and not 'The Man'.

Gil Scott-Heron (may he rest in peace) said 'The Revolution will not be televised' and he was right. The violence will never end because human nature does not allow rage and anger and power hunger to cease, but we can do something about it. I am absolutely tired of seeing my young people falling on the streets, race excluded. Tired of seeing kids dropping like flies in Syria and Gaza, young black men being reduced to nothing but meagre minions all over the World and I'm tired of seeing my young women lose all respect for themselves. Here is Gil's "The Revolution will not be Televised'.

"The Revolution Will Not Be Televised"

You will not be able to stay home, brother.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out.
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and
skip out for beer during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox
In 4 parts without commercial interruptions.
The revolution will not show you pictures of Nixon
blowing a bugle and leading a charge by John
Mitchell, General Abrams and Mendel Rivers to eat
hog maws confiscated from a Harlem sanctuary.

The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by the
Schaefer Award Theatre and will not star Natalie
Woods and Steve McQueen or Bullwinkle and Julia.
The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal.
The revolution will not get rid of the nubs.
The revolution will not make you look five pounds
thinner, the revolution will not be televised, Brother.

There will be no pictures of you and Willie Mays
pushing that shopping cart down the block on the dead run,
or trying to slide that color television into a stolen ambulance.
NBC will not be able predict the winner at 8:32
on reports from 29 districts.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down
brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of Whitney Young being
run out of Harlem on a rail with a brand new process.
There will be no slow motion or still life of Roy
Wilkens strolling through Watts in a Red, Black and
Green liberation jumpsuit that he had been saving
For just the right occasion.

Green Acres, The Beverly Hillbillies, and Hooterville
Junction will no longer be so god damned relevant, and
women will not care if Dick finally screwed
Jane on Search for Tomorrow because Black people
will be in the street looking for a brighter day.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no highlights on the eleven o'clock
news and no pictures of hairy armed women
liberationists and Jackie Onassis blowing her nose.
The theme song will not be written by Jim Webb or
Francis Scott Key, nor sung by Glen Campbell, Tom
Jones, Johnny Cash or Englebert Humperdink.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be right back
after a message about a white tornado, white lightning, or white people.
You will not have to worry about a dove in your
bedroom, a tiger in your tank, or the giant in your toilet bowl.
The revolution will not go better with Coke.
The revolution will not fight the germs that may cause bad breath.
The revolution will put you in the driver's seat.

The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernee

Inked.

And with a pumping heart, I covered my boobs and laid down for my Sternum Tattoo. I listened to friends, I researched but nothing could've prepared me for the pain I was going to experience. 7 tattoos in and my 8th would prove to be the most painful (so far, you know I'm far from done! Hehe) 

Through the pain I thought about what this tattoo meant to me. A flower :- Me with 6 roots. The flower forever blooming, forever growing, forever learning, forever shining represents Vernée as she is now, the 6 roots represent the reasons why and how Vernée keeps blooming and keeps pushing forward. Each root is a significant person in my life:- Margaret, Vernon, Hazel, Valerie, Marion or Ordine as mummy would call her and Mirriam, daddy's mum who passed before I was born but I'm told is like a reincarnation. I am who I am because of these 6 people, my personality, my traits and characteristics. My loving nature, my craziness, lackadaisical, say what's on your mind, that one girl who will punch you out and ask questions later and that tenacious attitude. I am me because of them and I love all of them immensely. 

To my family, you are the reason I survive. Don't give up on me yet! Better things to come! 

With many words left unsaid, these are the words from my head. 

May the road rise to meet you.

Plain ol' Vernée. 

Chub Chub Tum Tum ... In a bikini!

Today I wore a bikini, a high waisted one at that from Forever 21 and guess what?!?!? Nothing happened! I didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed, I felt empowered and beautiful. 

There weren't any awkward stares or uncomfortable remarks, there was just Vernée in her black pineapple bikini. We place so much emphasis on what we should look like in swimsuits, who's allowed to wear a bikini, who must wear a whole piece, who can't have their chubby tummy at the door and their chunky legs. 

Today I wore a bikini and I have all intentions on buying more. Need someone to wear a bikini with? Give me a call, let's do it together.

Peace, Love and most of all Blessed Light! 

Vernée 

When Things Take Time

I know I haven't blogged in ages but I think from now on that is going to change. 

For a while I've been feeling down and out, like the world is taking its time with me. Sometimes it's as though all the good I do and how hard I work won't come back to me tenfold but today well tonight, this morning, whatever you want to call it, it was though I had an epiphany. 

Good things take time.

I've been working since I was 11. Yes please, I have been making my own money since I was 11. I've done exceptionally well in school. But somehow I can't seem to get it right. I'm frustrated, I feel like giving up, but every time I think, 'today is the day, I'm done with it all', I get the feeling like it's not over yet. 

Good things take time, we can't continually think that by rushing our lives, better things will happen. I may be getting old with serious baby fever, but that's a good thing that takes time. I am feverishly saving to pay my bills and move out, be on my own again, be a REAL adult once more, but that's a good thing that takes time. We are often so consumed by how far others have gotten especially when they're the same age as you, or we're obsessed with thinking 'why has it happened for that person but not for me' and that's because everything that is good takes time. Patience is key, love is eminent and God is in all of us. 

Good things take time. Remember
that. 

May The Road Rise To Meet You. 💋

'Unsure of what the balance held...'

Unsure of what the balance held, I went into 27 overwhelmed of the tasks I was and are to perform.

What I do know is that at 27 it is expected that I'm to have half the things in my life figured out already. Sadly, it is not so, the only thing I do know is that I am completely grateful for another year of life. Grateful for blessings bestowed upon me:- food to eat, clothes on my back, a house over my head and family and friends who love me. I am grateful to have made whatever impact or imprint on certain lives and those who have made a tremendous imprint on mine. I am grateful for this voice, for these eyes, for my one dimple, for this smile. I am happy that I am a God-mother to the sweetest little girl in the world and Aunt to three cute little munchkins. 

I am however, sad at certain things I've had to experience to get to this stage of my life but every trial has made me a stronger person. I've learned that age means nothing when you live in your parents' household because certain rules will always apply. I've learned that I will strive when I become a mother to not have a double standard amongst my children to avoid certain problems I would've gone through myself. 

I've learned how tough living in this country can be especially when you cannot support yourself and must therefore depend on others. I've learned how to handle disappointments because they are ever most present within every life and almost every day. 

I've learned that as special birthdays are to me, others just don't feel the same way. 

I've felt my heart break into millions of pieces continuously and I've developed my own mental instability, this does not mean that I am crazy, it just means I pay more attention to the mental health of myself and you my brothers and sisters. 

I've lost friends and gained new ones along the way, happiness is in the hand of the those who wish to possess it. That's my wish for myself and my wish for you.

I've met my own struggle and it's now a matter of coming out of it on top. 

I can't stop and I won't stop, I am destined for greatness and so are you.

Unsure of what the balance held I trod into 27 with mixed feelings but tears in my eyes. New Vernée? Not really? Different Vernée? Definitely. 

Love and Light.

Birthday Girl. xx