That I would like to be
A knight in shining armor
In a castle by the sea'
Tonight, well this morning I got so down that I penned a suicide letter. I told my parents how sorry I was that I couldn't make it anymore, that I gave up, chose not to fight anymore because my eyes, body and mind needed rest. I told Kyle that I have never loved another man more than I love him, but this wouldn't work. I can't keep him worried about my mental state 24/7. I told Shante how beautiful and strong she is. That she has the power to take over the world and not to weep for me because despite it all, I believe that God would allow me to watch over her for the rest of her days. My biggest apology was to my friends. Truth is I'd go to hell and back for them, without them, I really am nothing. Lastly I apologized to The Divine for giving up. I know I'm a role model to many but my mind couldn't handle it anymore. I asked for his forgiveness.
'Sometimes I imagine...'
It was minutes to three and I was in my bed breaking down, sleep eluded and still eludes me. I thought constantly about life and friendships. I think about how hard I work and sometimes see no silver lining. And I was a mess. I called my Decla, couldn't hear her, called my cousin and couldn't hear her either, so I kept calling Decla because she was who I wanted to talk to. If anyone could calm me down before I make this decision it would be her. She answered, she heard my tears, she talked to me and gave me endless suggestions to calm down. I always find it amazing that the Psychologist/Counselor (being me)has to get advice from one of her bestest friends to not make another bad decision. Eventually I told her to go to sleep and I put down the phone. I said, you're living tonight, and I took a long cold shower and cried while listening to music.
'Sometimes I imagine
That I would like to be
A daring bold explorer
Sailing far across the sea'
'Sometimes I imagine
That I would like to be
A daring bold explorer
Sailing far across the sea'
I have not ventured into my gallery at night/wee hours of the morning in a very long time, but by then it was 3:45 a.m. and I said take a blanket and headphones, sing. Doesn't matter who hears, just sing. The first song that played was 'Imagine Me' by Kirk Franklin and I chuckled and said 'you trying to show me a sign eh'. I sat out there until I could see dawn breaking, listening, crying, breathing and then I remembered the tattoo on the top of my back; 'The Lord is my refuge and strength, in him I place my trust'.
'Sometimes I imagine...'
Tonight/this morning made me realize that he's not ready for me yet, I still have lots more lives to impact. I'm sitting here at Vernon's laptop crying and typing but sometimes I imagine that I would like to be stronger, happier, content with life, not so afraid of the future, more trusting, full of lots more love and less anger. I imagine that I am next to my baby, hugging him and feeling secure rather than an empty bed. Sometimes I imagine that I could do a lot more than I am doing now, but at the same time I imagine one day at a time.
We all go through trials and tribulations. Mental illness is a nightmare but does that mean that I shouldn't let the world experience my smile?
With many words left unsaid, these are the thoughts from my head.
'And I'd tip my hat
Imagine that
Imagine thaaaaaaat
Imagine that!'
Imagine that
Imagine thaaaaaaat
Imagine that!'
Plain ole Vernee. #trying #trusting #facingitwithfaith
