In another world, in another time...

This article was the very first article I had ever had published while I was working at BBS in The HEAT magazine, a subsidiary magazine done by The Barbados Advocate. It was August 2010, I was 23, and I think I was in another world, another body and another time, but what I do know was that I was always destined to write. From WTPS to Lecturing at UWI Cave Hill, words have always been in my blood. For those of you who remember this, 'big up!'... 'rah, rah, rah, rahhhhhh'. To those who've never seen it, here's 23 year old Vernee. 


'As a child, I relished the thought of my life happening just as it does in a Disney movie. Ya know, those Princess movies, where I’m either Cinderella, Beauty, Jasmine or even Ariel, waiting for my Prince Charming to come and swoop me up off of my feet and we live ‘happily ever after’.  I was so much in love with all of those stories that from the time I was in Primary School I started looking for who I wanted my soul mate to be, so much that I had a primary school crush from the time I was in Class 1 until Class 4; crazy huh? Then we went to two different Secondary Schools and as I got older, my idea of Prince Charming started to change. Well, that and the fact that teenaged life is the most cut throat it could possibly get and puberty chose not to spare me. So as my body and developed, so did my brain and in 3rd form I started to list all of the qualities that my Prince Charming must have.  He had to be first of all charming and dashing, ya know, one of those guys that his shoes matched his shirt and his shirt matched his hat, and he always smells good, yup, one of those. He had to be tall and slim and fair skinned (I know, how superficial could I have been) and good teeth, can’t talk to a guy with crooked teeth. Oh, and he had to be older, not a lot older, just older. And I went through my teenaged years thinking ‘is this what it’s supposed to be, because I am not having any luck, where is my Prince Charming?’ Needless to say, the fact that I was a head strong individual didn’t make it any better either, but as we all know, teenaged life isn’t supposed to be a fairy tale, we struggle with identity issues, self-esteem problems and puberty, let’s not forget puberty (Sometimes I think we’re forever going through puberty, just by different names, mid-life crisis, menopause, yup, it’s all the same!)  

My Secondary School life then faded and when I entered BCC, I had a totally different outlook on life and the idea of my ‘Prince Charming’. I still wanted a prince, I really did, but my standards and criteria changed as well. He still had to be tall, and he still had to be handsome but he didn’t have to be slim anymore. By then I was fully into sports and was an avid hockey player and sports enthusiast, so I wanted me one of those athletic types, you know what I mean, the broad shoulders and washboard abs and defined thighs, the kind that looks like it was sculpted by the Gods.  I’m getting chills just sitting here writing about it.  But he did have to at least play a sport and work, not someone who was the same age as me, at college, not knowing what they wanted to do with the rest of their life.   Throughout those two years, I was plagued with bad break-ups and I thought, ‘goodness Disney, I’m starting to think he doesn’t exist’ and then I met this guy, I’ll never forget him. I thought it was over and that my search for my Prince was done and it was like heaven. Every time I was around him and he said ‘I love you’, I felt chills about my body and I knew I had found what I was searching for and that would be it. So that lasted for six months, yes, I said it, six months; we broke up due to ‘problems’ in our relationship. Funny thing is, I didn’t even know we were having problems, I guess I was too caught up in the fairy tale that was love between him and I.  As I entered UWI, my ideals changed once more, and I now wanted a King, a Prince just wasn’t going to do, I mean after all, if you follow those stories anyway, the King is the one who makes all the important decisions and at any rate has to approve the union of the Prince and his love. So why not skip out the middle man and go for the ‘big fish’, or so I thought. And as I struggled once again with my own identity issues and my own realisations that I have no idea anymore what I want to do with my life, I realised that, that was how I treated my relationships and that is when I found out that all I needed was someone to accept me for me, and someone who could love me for the person that I am. I had been so caught up in this fairy tale that when reality hit me, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  It’s then that I realised that we have to make our own ‘happily ever after’. It will not happen just as it does in the books and the movies and it probably won’t be the Prince that you see there either. We cannot find happiness and love with someone else if we first do not love ourselves. It’s a process that takes time, and as time passes we learn to grow through those experiences. As I look back on how I viewed things, even just a few years ago, I ask myself, but would it have been different if I loved me first. The other thing that we need to realise is that relationships are not one – sided, there are two people who have decided to be together, therefore it should be a joint effort where both parties at least try to make 50/50. Still, love for self, should always come first. Ladies, my young, beautiful and talented ladies love yourselves, because, truth is, if not for us, the world would cease to exist, why do you think they call it ‘Mother Nature’? And guys, you are the roots that we rely on for a solid foundation, love yourselves, if not for you, we would be struggling organisms looking for that push to grow.   

Stay blessed my people and remember, ‘happily ever after’ does exist, love you for the wonderful human beings that you are and stop letting Disney tell you who your Prince or Princess should be. Still watch their movies though; they have the best movies ever!'

Not much of a difference now maybe. Still a Disney fanatic and I believe in Prince Charming. His name is Kyle D.

Love and Light.

Vernee Amanda Marianne

Sex and Sexuality

"We teach girls to shrink themselves
To make themselves smaller
We say to girls,
"You can have ambition
But not too much
You should aim to be successful
But not too successful
Otherwise you will threaten the man."
Because I am female
I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that
Marriage is the most important
Now marriage can be a source of
Joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
And we don't teach boys the same?
We raise girls to see each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments
Which I think can be a good thing
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
In the way that boys are
Feminist: the person who believes in the social,Political,and economic equality of the sexes"

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 

Thought this one was gonna be dicey and spicy because of the title right? WRONG!

I often sit baffled at the way our young people carry themselves, especially our girls. We have raised them in a misogynistic society. WE have taught them to bow down a the feet of men, and do their bidding. We have taught them that the only way to get ahead in life is to give up piece of themselves;- to offer their sexuality as a means of payment for goods and services received. 
How can we talk about social, emotional and mental equality of the sexes when we practically sell our girls to the industry. We plaster them to compete with each other in pageants with the skimpiest swimwear or little to no clothes, we teach them to fight not for their children and the rights of their child, but for men, for their 'baby daddies'. How is that fair?

We pit our boys against each other to see who can outshine who. Who can afford the latest gear, the biggest phone, the newest pair of Jordans, but we cannot pit them against each other with who has the most degrees, or the most work experience. By 17 my CV already had at least 6 jobs on it. What 17 year old, male or female can say that now.
The parents of this generation do not have the same ideologies of the parents of my generation and truth is, for that child to not fall to the ills of society, they just need some guidance, or some love. Someone to give them a hug, to say I love you. To not be a damn friend but to be a parent.

Look at what we are doing to our kids. Double standards as it relates to sex and sexuality and then the old people love to shout 'how the young people get so?', because you chose to watch us suffer, not lend a helping hand. I don't want my kids' idols to be the Kardashians or half of these whack ass role models out there. I want my kids' idols to be Nelson, Kofi Anaan, Mia, Che, Marcus Garvey, Martin Luther, Malcolm X, Walter Rodney, George Lamming, Frantz Fanon, Ralph Gonsalves, Fidel, Sigmund Freud, Karl Marx, Betty Friedman, Marianne Weber and so much more, but the only way for that to happen is if I teach them. 

Sex and Sexuality: it pains to say that from the misogynistic society that we live in, this will be forever a waging war. Until we teach our girls to see each other for what they can learn, through a book or maybe someone sharing their life experiences, or for us to stop feeding the patriarchal mind. Our boys can achieve so much if we just give them the time. Do you know how many young men at HMP have said to me 'if only somebody used to check fuh me'. Sorry if I sound like a feminist. Wait, hold up, no, I'm not sorry, I claim it. I definitely am a Feminist. I will forever fight for the equality of the sexes. Our youth are suffering, will we let it continue into generations to come?

The ever so not impressed;-

Vernee Amanda Marianne

Love and Light

The Thin Line

 I have always had grandiose ideas of being Vernee Sobers PhD, I mean I still have that idea, whether it be PsyD or PhD, one of those will definitely follow all of the other accolades behind my name. Still, at 28, after being a perpetual student from the age of 5, being engaged and making wedding and life plans, there is now that thin line between pursuing further education and settling down and playing house and popping out my lover's babies. 

 At what point in time do we consider each spectrum of this thin line. On one hand, education is my pride and joy, it is what I thrive on, I'm an academic in pursuit for heaven's sake. But still, as I sit on the cusp of 30,  my ovaries are screaming 'Oye! You! Try fertilise these eggs, lest they shrivel up and die'.  And that seriously is what I'm convinced they're saying. 

 My thin line has come, but I honestly think I have made my decision. In my eyes, education will always be there, but will my eggs be?

 We all have that right to consider what in life we wish to pursue. Whether it be a career, a degree or a family. It's so bad that I can see myself being a housewife, ok, I lied, I'm quite feminist, I believe in equal roles and the opportunity to pay a nursery to keep my child (my mother has already gracefully declined) so that those people can get money too. I very much believe in a functionalist society. Every thing and everyone serves a purpose. My purpose might be to help others, to make them laugh, to give them hope, maybe even for them to say 'because of Vernée I could'. 

To my future husband, with the hope of God's grace we will grow old together.

To my unborn child, no worries, mummy chose you over getting a Doctorate, she didn't really have to think about it. Maybe she'll go for it when you're 4 and daddy has you covered.

Thin lines? Do what your heart tells you.

With many words left unsaid, these are the thoughts from my head.

Just Vernée

Aren't females Important too?

With the upsurge of female related crime, I have chosen to publish the final chapter of my Master's thesis which speaks about this same problem. Ya know, just some light reading. *insert smile here*.

I would love for this to be an open discussion. We need to talk about women, we need to say their names, we need to help them, not just sit and laugh or chastise. Go ahead, read it. 

Chapter 5

                “It is easy to talk about the importance of empowerment for young women. But how can such a laudable principle best be translated into direct and daily practice when the law and departmental procedures constrain and inhibit both young women and young men from having a real say in their lives?”. (Hudson, 1990, p. 122)

Coming into this study, the consensus was that there would be a difference in the types of risk factors found between Barbados and the United Kingdom. This was felt because of the socio economical differences between the two countries, being that the UK is a First World nation and Barbados has only within the past 7 months been awarded Developed Nation status. Still, based on the results of the study,  it is seen that the risk factors and the circumstances are the same, which means, that these factors are not reliant on geographical status, but on the problems that young people from all walks of life face on the whole.  Also, in addressing the ideas of women being problematic, Hudson (1990) notes that women are often perceived by social welfare agencies as being hard to work with, having little political capital and labelled in high pejorative ways such as manipulative, uncontrollable and promiscuous. On the other hand, based on the responses given within the study, it is seen that it is not the case of women being difficult to work with, but the complexities which encompass the biological make up of women, makes them more emotional than men as well as having different needs, which means that men and women cannot be put into the same category while being assessed by social welfare.

It is also seen, that there needs to be work done on sustaining family relationships and quality of home life, where parents and their daughters come to some point of cohesiveness and girls are allowed to express the way in which they feel to their parents and vice versa without being victimized. Hudson (1990) says, “The central role of the family in these young women’s welfare career further distinguishes them from their male counterparts. The more that parents feel unable to cope with or curtail their daughters perceived waywardness and the greater the force of their pressure for something to be done, the greater the likelihood of state intervention. Consequently, many young women enter care not through the courts but by way of a voluntary reception into care. Others do appear before the Juvenile Courts but usually because local authority has applied for a care order on the ground that the young woman is ‘beyond parental control’ or in ‘moral danger’.” (1990, p. 119) The idea that a young woman can be ‘beyond parental control’ is disheartening especially because that notion can be easily fixed if familial needs are addressed from early. Mays (1972) asserts that cohesive, stable families even in poor and substandard urban areas often save their children from falling into delinquency because of the close care and consistent discipline and affection which are readily and constantly available. He goes on to note that, “It is because consistency in handling is so vital that the old myth of the broken home is seen to be misleading. A child with one good, loving, caring parent is less of a delinquent risk than the child from the home where parents disagree, quarrel of fail to carry out their duties”.  (Mays, 1972, p. 6)  This researcher has observed, especially in a Juvenile Court setting, parents being quick to diminish their responsibilities towards their ‘problematic’ children by saying, ‘I can’t help them, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve tried my best’, when they haven’t been playing the slightest of stable parental roles in their child’s life.  These parental roles need to be worked on, in order to ensure that youths feel as though they are in loving and capable families.

Early intervention is important for any young female who presents or shows high risk factors to delinquency in an attempt to keep that young girl from entering a Juvenile Court.  As mentioned in Chapter 2, Walker (1963) asserts that once a girl has entered a juvenile court, she is introduced to the world of delinquency. She goes on to say, “It is, therefore, not surprising that we find a considerable number of girls who, though in no way criminals themselves, become the affectionate, protective, wholly supporting, though unstable partners of seriously delinquent youths and men. I do not believe that not nearly enough is being done to prevent girls from entering a juvenile courtroom for the first time, for the wayward girl will support and give reassurance to her criminal boy friend, just as men in all other walks of life receive support and reassurance from their wives and girl friends”. (Walker, 1963, p.27) The fact that intervention was mentioned by each respondent in more than three questions shows that it is seen as an extremely important response to looking at the risk factors of young female offenders.

What needs to be noted before any recommendations are given, is that the resourcing capabilities are different between these two countries, which means that for the United Kingdom, there is a higher chance of programme implementation than there is in Barbados.

As has been put forward by numerous Government action plans and papers, the United Kingdom is on track for tackling youth violence and has specific interventions aimed at young females, most notably the ones outlined in the ‘Ending Gang and Youth Violence’ report of 2011, which includes;- Youth activity groups outside of school, a Girls and Gangs working group and workshops set up for families of girls involved in gangs as well as being victims of violence or gang activity and those caught up in youth offending. However, there are a number of recommendations that can be made for Barbados.

There are two main programs used by the Government in the intervention of female criminality. As mentioned by the Barbadian respondents, there is the Girls Circle which is used by the Probation Office as well as the Juvenile Liaison Scheme in which volunteers are encourage to foster close relationships with juveniles thereby assisting with their supervision.  The Scheme also offers a summer program to deviant and problematic teenagers in which they assist each child in setting goals for themselves, exploring the importance of team work, practising of respect for self and others as well as conflict resolution. These programs have proven effective to a certain extent, but more needs to be focused on gender specific interventions to help tackle the rise of young female criminality on the island. Much emphasis is placed on ‘the boys on the block’ because it is felt that boys are more problematic in behaviour than girl, but this is a wide misconception. Yes boys do have higher criminality rates than girls, and thus the reason why girls are put on the back burner, but the more they are left to sizzle in the pot, the more they will start to become more of a problem than they are right now. 

• ·         The first recommendation is that more positive female roles  be emphasized within the country. Every quarter, (based on resourcing needs) there should be a workshop involving positive female empowerment, where girls between the ages of 13 – 17 would be invited from Secondary Schools across the island so that they would be able to participate and speak to other successful females, especially those who have overcome or exhibited cases of resilience.
• ·         The second recommendation is based on the study by Bolzan and Gale (2011) in Australia and the idea of the ‘interrupted space’. This takes young females and allows them to showcase skills that they did not know existed within them. It is a method of creating resilience within the young female. Examples of ways to do this, would be to offer them the opportunity to be a part of creative process, might that be directing a film, creating a magazine, running a small legitimate business and such. Especially if the young girl thrives in the opportunity that has been given to her, she can see that whatever marginalities she comes from, she can get past without turning to a life of offending. 
• ·         The third recommendation is to encourage extra-curricular activities not only within the school but within the community. If these young women have something else to look forward to, even if their home situations cannot be fixed, the idea of being involved in a greater process might be enough to fuel a life without offending.  To be specific, not just activities such as ‘modelling’ which is all the new craze on the island but activities such as dance, and theatre and music. The reason why ‘modelling’ is not seen as a productive extra-curricular activity is from the sexualisation that it implicates on the island and it is felt that these girls not need be reminded that their bodies are a ‘meal ticket’ but that their mind is.

These three recommendations can prove highly effective along with other programs that would allow for the early intervention of young female offending. This study was extremely small and preliminary, but it is felt by this researcher than it should be researched further not only in Barbados but within the United Kingdom, as well as an opportunity to have a longitudinal study, which can pin point other psychological, biological and sociological factors throughout an individual’s life, that would not have been present during adolescence. 

Sometimes...

Ernie once sang, 'Sometimes I imagine
That I would like to be
A knight in shining armor
In a castle by the sea'

Tonight, well this morning I got so down that I penned a suicide letter. I told my parents how sorry I was that I couldn't make it anymore, that I gave up, chose not to fight anymore because my eyes, body and mind needed rest. I told Kyle that I have never loved another man more than I love him, but this wouldn't work. I can't keep him worried about my mental state 24/7. I told Shante how beautiful and strong she is. That she has the power to take over the world and not to weep for me because despite it all, I believe that God would allow me to watch over her for the rest of her days. My biggest apology was to my friends. Truth is I'd go to hell and back for them, without them, I really am nothing. Lastly I apologized to The Divine for giving up. I know I'm a role model to many but my mind couldn't handle it anymore. I asked for his forgiveness. 

'Sometimes I imagine...'

It was minutes to three and I was in my bed breaking down, sleep eluded and still eludes me. I thought constantly about life and friendships. I think about how hard I work and sometimes see no silver lining. And I was a mess. I called my Decla, couldn't hear her, called my cousin and couldn't hear her either, so I kept calling Decla because she was who I wanted to talk to. If anyone could calm me down before I make this decision it would be her. She answered, she heard my tears, she talked to me and gave me endless suggestions to calm down. I always find it amazing that the Psychologist/Counselor (being me)has to get advice from one of her bestest friends to not make another bad decision. Eventually I told her to go to sleep and I put down the phone. I said, you're living tonight, and I took a long cold shower and cried while listening to music. 
'Sometimes I imagine
That I would like to be
A daring bold explorer
Sailing far across the sea'

I have not ventured into my gallery at night/wee hours of the morning in a very long time, but by then it was 3:45 a.m. and I said take a blanket and headphones, sing. Doesn't matter who hears, just sing. The first song that played was 'Imagine Me' by Kirk Franklin and I chuckled and said 'you trying to show me a sign eh'. I sat out there until I could see dawn breaking, listening, crying, breathing and then I remembered the tattoo on the top of my back; 'The Lord is my refuge and strength, in him I place my trust'.

'Sometimes I imagine...'

Tonight/this morning made me realize that he's not ready for me yet, I still have lots more lives to impact. I'm sitting here at Vernon's laptop crying and typing but sometimes I imagine that I would like to be stronger, happier, content with life, not so afraid of the future, more trusting, full of lots more love and less anger. I imagine that I am next to my baby, hugging him and feeling secure rather than an empty bed. Sometimes I imagine that I could do a lot more than I am doing now, but at the same time I imagine one day at a time.

We all go through trials and tribulations. Mental illness is a nightmare but does that mean that I shouldn't let the world experience my smile? 

With many words left unsaid, these are the thoughts from my head.

'And I'd tip my hat
Imagine that
Imagine thaaaaaaat
Imagine that!'

Plain ole Vernee. #trying #trusting #facingitwithfaith

What's In A Name?

I would've kept this blog to post on Father's Day, but he'll get one then too. Oh! And 'eeeeeeekkkkkk'!! I haven't written since February! Life is way too hectic for me. I need to slow down, take a vacation and just chilllllll. But I digress.

What's in a name? I mean really, what's in a name anyway? Today's feature presentation stems from countless conversations I've been having as well as some insight into my own life, some good ol' retrospection.

I have no intentions on changing my name when I get married. None. The funny thing is that every time this conversation comes up people automatically assume it's all about me being a feminist and taking a stance. Er, no, that's not it at all.
Year before I wrote about legacies, about what we choose to leave others saying on this earth. About the life we are given and how we live them and my choice is based solely on legacy.

Vernon Coleridge Sobers was born on the 2nd of July 1941 and had 4 children. 3 boys and 1 girl (I assume you know that 1 girl is moi). 1 son is a Giles, 1 son is a Farrell and 1 son is a Sobers. He has two biological grandchildren and 1 adopted grand daughter, they are 2 Farrells and 1 Burnham. His other two sons don't have children (...yet and my fingers are crossed) and even if and WHEN they do, there's no guarantee that those children will take their last names, which at any rate leaves one son to actually carry on the Sobers name.
My daddy despite his lackadaisical, semi immoral, beautiful mind has created a great legacy and I feel as though it would be an injustice to him to throw away my name. I am a Sobers more than I am a Clarke or a Hinkson (mum's side of the family). I might take after my aunt's and my grandmother (mum's mummy) but I am Vernon to my core. I look like him, I have all of his attributes and whenever he leaves the island, despite whether I'm driving him/them or not, I have to get my two kisses and a rub nose to send him off as old as I am, He will always be my daddy. Not dad, or father, not even Papa Smurf as his children and grandchildren affectionately call him, but MY DADDY and I feel it is my duty to carry on that name.

Once I achieve a doctorate, I will Dr. Vernee Sobers PhD. I will marry the beautiful human being that I am engaged to, but I will not be a Barrow, I will be a Sobers. My children will have a double barrelled last name because I will drill in them the wonderful man their grand father is and was. 

I always say I owe everything in my life to faith and the love and perseverance of my parents. For always looking out for me even when I was convinced I could take care of myself, but it's also seeing them take care of others that has made me the person I am today. If I could spend the rest of my life helping people and still be able to live comfortably I would because that is the life I was shown. Serviam will always be my motto just like I've seen them serve family, friend and foe.

What's in a name? Who knows? What's in my daddy's name? A whole lot!

Stay tuned for more from the Sobers clan. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

That Sobers girl.

The God In You.

Jay Z once said 'I was born a God, made myself a King, that means I downgraded to a Human being, you was born a Goddess, I made you my queen which means we upgraded to Louis the Thirteen' 

We always have the argument of man being called Gods and Goddesses, but if we claim that God is omnipotent, in everywhere and everything, has no gender, no race or creed, then why can't God be in you and me? 

I do not consider myself the religious type, I've expressed this before, I really am spiritually based, forming my love for The Divine on faith and what The Lord has done for me but I know that on the history and teachings of my ancestors, God is in every one of us. 

I urge you to see God in you. Not for power or fame, but for love of self, love of your brothers and sisters, love of all things around you, from the tallest tree to the tiniest ant. I urge you to find that kindness that dwells deep within so that you may understand your purpose on earth, your purpose towards your people. I see God in sooo many people that it touches me daily as to how they use their talents to incite change and to spread love, I compel you to continue. 

To those of you who don't believe in God, but still do great things, doesn't matter, there is still a God in you. Continue to be great, continue to be profound but most of all, continue being you. How can we settle for less when there is something so unbelievably brilliant within us? 

Thank you for seeing the God/Goddess in me. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernée

The Day I Had No Voice

Just before my parents came back and before I caught this chikungunya bull shit, they fogged in a neighbouring area, driving all of the Mosquitos to Wanstead Gardens. As I was being maul springed by the bitches I used this insect repellant my cousin left back and within 

10 minutes, my right tonsil went on me. I couldn't talk, I couldn't swallow and worst of all, I couldn't sing. 

I'm accustomed to driving mum's jeep with my music up to all and singing at the top of my lungs. That day, I had no voice. Everytime one of my favourite tunes came on I had no voice, I couldn't scream and shout and let it all out, I couldn't lose to win again, I couldn't let any bitch kill my vibe and I couldn't be flawless. That's when I realised, that I have a gift, one I don't use and maybe it's the avenue, finding the right one, but there is something about singing to others that feel what you feel. 

I have sung in almost every capacity, but there is nothing like singing the Holy Ghost spirit to some souls that need it, guess that's from coming up in the church. But I feel everything, once that spirit gets in my bones, whether it's jazz, RnB, Gospel and even Hip Hop, the way it comes out, I feel good and I feel happy. 

The day I lost my voice made me realise that we are given so many talents but it's up to us to choose how to use them. I might not use mine in the way I should, and I need to get back in that space , but I urge you to use your talents. Don't waste them. You never know what you'll be missing. You'll never know whose lives you will and can touch. 

Sing, Write, Read, do what you do best, but don't lose that voice. 

May the Road RISE to meet you! 

Gros Bisous

Vernée 

A Love Letter to My Body

Dear Body, 

  We've come a LONG way. From being a bit skinny to a lot chubby, to me hating you and then loving parts of you. Phew, it's been a ride. We still have a love/hate relationship but but what girl doesn't?  I'm here to tell you, despite your hammy thighs, chub chub tum and gargantuan arms, I am still somehow deeply in love with you. 

Dear Body, those two ingrown pinkies have been your birth mark since childhood, and nail polish covers them up very well, no need to fear your long big toe nail beds make up for everything and your slim and small feet make them beautiful. Stop stressing. 

Yes your eczema pulls a shadow on your smooth legs and makes even your greasiest foot look dry but baby that's why they made E45 cream. Knock those scabs out of the park.  

Unfortunately, we've let the thighs get away a but dem ain ugly yet, thick thighs and short pants tuh de wurl! 

Dear Body, can we skip the midsection? That's a work in progress. Thanks. But we can go to those boobs and say thank you grandmother for genes that you thought I needed to possess even though they're painful to all, but in the right bra and shirt, you know you love those babies, hell, you got a sternum tattoo with the excuse to show them off a bit. Good for you! 

Let us thank The Divine for these tiny hands, slender fingers and long nail beds. They are extra beautiful when I put on my rings. Boom! 

But again body, can we just excuse these enormous arms:- work in progress! Thank you very much! 

Now on to this face that I struggled with for YEARS. To my dimple, you bring me joy. To $6500 and 3 years of braces, I love to smile. Wha shoot, Ah gotta show off de man money. To this nose I flattened during 12 years of sucking my finger, I wouldn't change it for the world. And to these eyes that hold the keys to my soul, brown eyed girl, I love you so. 

To this hair that I never know what I want to do with, natural, loc'ed or straightened I love you nonetheless.

Finally to this skin, to this complexion I hated for at least the 1st 16 years of my life. To this velvety skin, skin so smooth, I never need to cream (well except my legs) I've finally accepted to salute you. I salute you because darkies rule. I salute you because I let society's idea of beauty tell me what you should be. I am sorry for all the years I was angry at you and unless my children strike back to their grandparents, I cannot wait to bring a beautiful dark skinned baby into this world.

To my body:-

You're all I have, and I'd rather love you and put on my cute clothes and flaunt than hate you. 

I must admit, that as much as my mind has lost its muchness, my booty is bigger and I'll accept that over being a raging diet-a-holic any day. 

I love you. 

Yours always,

Vernée 

May the road RISE to meet you. 

If this isn't Love

 Jazmine Sullivan started off with 'Nobody ever love me, quite like you, your love is like... I got a real good dude who loves me a lot and ain't no other man is gonna take his spot and I, I'm so happy you're mine, so imma love you a long time.'

These last three weeks have been a blur, but there was nothing more exciting than waiting to hear the gate open, those feet climb the steps, and keys turn the lock. 

Why?

Because my baby was home. I never realised our connection until we spent the last three weeks together. I guess it was more like an introduction to what living together would be like and even though he holds me at night like he's afraid that I'm going to leave, I've found myself craving that hug, falling asleep on his chest and even rolling over in the morning after being way to high off my meds even though I can never remember his kiss goodbye with the best part smelling his side knowing that he'll be home soon to give me annoying hugs and kisses.

I feel his pain and he feels mine but it hurts more when he is down mostly because I'm accustomed to being down. 

'If this isn't love, then tell me what it is cuz' I've never felt like this baby, if this isn't love, l o v e, what it means to me I o v e, if this isn't love'. 

Doesn't matter what you want to call him:- boyfriend, fiancé or Kyle this dude is or has done something to me. As I lay on his pillow and smell his cologne, I dread tomorrow night and sleeping alone.

To Kyle D. Barrow, an ode to you, for making me a better person, for standing by through 50 fucked up shades of Vernée and for being so amazing and annoying at the same time. To you my love, Everytime I put that ring on I already feel you in my soul.

Honey boo boo, your love is bright as ever, even in the shadows, baby take me, before they turn the lights out. My heart is calling and it's crashing into you, baby kiss me, before they turn the lights out. In the darkest night hour, I'll search through the crowd and baby you're all that I see, I'll give you everything, baby love me lights out. I love you like XO, you love me like XO, you give me more XO, I love you like XO, baby you're all that I see and give me everything, baby love me lights out, can you turn the lights out?

Funny how songs can fully explain how we feel right? 

Not now but forever. 

With endless words left unsaid.

These are the words from my head. 

Just Vernée 

He might have been an Anti-Semite...

Walter Disney might have been an anti-Semite i.e. For those who don't know what that means, he wasn't a big fan of Jews, but he found a way to bring happiness to every child and a way to calm my stormiest days. 

I say this in that, Disney movies have been (even at the age of 27 and I suspect until the day I die) the driving force behind my singing, my happiness and my way to keep in contact with my inner child. Who knows, maybe that's why kids love me so much. 

Today is a Disney Day. And not Bambi or Lion King cuz' I'll just bawl my eyes out. It's a Disney Princess day. I plan on singing Part of your World, Under the Sea, Going down the Bayou, Just Around The River Bend, Colours of The Wind, Beauty and The Beast, A Whole New World, Do you Want to Build a Snowman and most of all Let it Go. 

It might not work for everyone but on a bad day like this Disney has always been my pick me upper. It has showed me that singing can take your blues away, even for that moment. 

Disney and its Princesses are my escape, I hope that on bad days you find yours, and once it's a healthy escape, use it, love it, appreciate it with all your heart. I might not sing in public anymore but believe that a bit of singing will go down in this bed and room of isolation today. 

I love and treasure all of you. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernée 💋

Electric-City

Imagine this for a headline:- 'No more electricity to power the world! Earth working on two spare generators.'

I wish I had a generator right now. Soooo here's what happened, my god daughter came up to me, 'Aunty, the TV won't come on', I go 'What do you mean? Did you turn it off by accident?' She said 'No'. So I told her to check to see if my fan is still on and she came back with a frantic 'No Aunty'. So cool, calm, collective me went 'the electricity is just off'. Note, I ain got nuh data on my phone, and uhm brek (to be truthful, If I ain working, I'm home so my philosophy is if you don't have my home phone number, ya really ain that important to me cuz ya cud call me pon my cell) so therefore life for me right now consists of nature. Wait! Did I mention that I am internally freaking out? My fan ain wukkin and nuh wind ain cain thru muh winda, ah could see de Mosquitos starting a swarm and ah hear a buzz pass my ear just now. It's only suh much life de computer got and de internet gone so ah cyan even post this til de lil power come back on! Oh the horror!! 

But at the same time, I can hear the birds chirping, the trees by my neighbour rustling and the clanging of the metal plate we have on our wall with whatever little wind is blowing. It's even pushed my god daughter to bathe early (nuh lie, ya does gotta beg she to bathe, but once de water hit, she in a singing and preaching frenzy, yes Sista Shanté! Hallelujer!) and read the last two stories in her book. 

It's a blessing and a curse, the electricity going off, but there's a stillness in the atmosphere that cannot be measured on any scale. It's like it's almost surreal. I like it but I can't tek these Mosquitos and this heat so BL&P sort out wunna self! 

LaBellaVee or Vernée if ya please! 

*snicker*

May the road RISE to meet you. 

Matters of the mind

A lot of people know little about me. There's this thing that I've now been tagged in three times with 25 things people don't know about you. I'm certainly not here to give you 25 things but to enlighten you to a day in the mentally awesome world of Vernée. 

For those who know nothing of what goes on on the inside, I'm a controlled diabetic and I'm hypertensive. Mostly because I'm stressed all the time. Most of you might wonder 'but why she stressed, she ain got nuh children'. I utterly hate that. Because I have no children does not mean that you cannot be stressed from other things. And please do not come to me with the 'but you live at home and your parents look after you' bs, or the 'look at it this way, there are people less fortunate than you'. I am clearly aware of ALL of these things, but it does not make my mind any better. 

Let me explain. Underneath happy, kind, and seemingly strong Vernée is a woman with a broken mind. I have been, since I was 11, diagnosed with depression. This started with pre-adolescence and me thinking my parents didn't understand me and me finding love within myself. Might I also throw in that I'm a chronic insomniac. Do you know what it's like taking sleeping pills from the time you were 12/13? It's nothing good. Many of you may have wondered how I lost all of that weight last year and have now out every bit of it back on. It was and has nothing to do with discipline. Due to the fact that I had predisposed mental issues, the HCG hormone did NOT agree with me mentally. I am now manic depressive, I have 4 personality disorders:- antisocial disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder and paranoid disorder. I am also diagnosed bipolar and suffer from constant anxiety and panic attacks. Every night I pop 4 pills for these issues and if I want the sleep process to happen faster, I may pop 6. I also take one capsule in the morning to help stabilise my mood swings. So here goes:- A day in the mind of Vernée.

I wake up, and going back to sleep depends on the manner in which I've woken up. Happy, in the middle, or it's not a good day. A happy day means I've had a happy night and I've slept through the night. In the middle means I've just slept through the night and a bad day means I've tossed and turned and have had horrible dreams. I hardly have an appetite now, but when I get hungry I can eat all of Stone Mountain.  So maybe I'll eat or maybe I won't but I'll drink more than a gallon of water for sure. Why do I worry? Why am I stressed? (Those cause the anxiety attacks by the way) 

I worry because I am 27 and still live at home. I have been making my own money since I was 11 and it hurts me to my core (even as I am typing this water is coming to my eyes) to know that I have been through all the stages of school and degrees minus the doctorate I plan on doing in 2016, Lord having spareth my life, that I cannot, no, CANNOT get a job despite my degree being a specialised degree that is needed here in Barbados. It bugs me that even though I am approaching two years as to being back home that I still have not adapted myself to living with my parents, which then coincides with the antisocial-ness and I isolate myself to the confines of my room. It also annoys me that my parents often forget that I am an adult and while I will always appreciate their concern for me, I am capable of making my own decisions and learning from my mistakes. 

The mind of Vernée is a complexed one. It houses an IQ of over 150 but is too broken to realise it's own potential. It is so caught up with the future that it cannot recognise the present.

Why am I telling you all of this? So that when you look at an average person having a bad day you don't just call them a bitch or judge. You have no idea what they're going through. I'm also telling you this to bring awareness to mental health. Yes everyone talks about cancers and all of these other diseases, but no one talks about suicide? Do you know how many times I've either thought about committing suicide or have tried? We tend to dismiss mental health like it's not an important issue, but when a high school kid shoots up a school we blame TV and video games. I call that bullshit. A cop out. We have no idea what goes on in the minds of our youth or adults. We don't know what they face on a daily basis. We don't know what scares them. Wanna know what scares me? Death, not finding a job, not being able to pay my bills, not being able to get pregnant again. And that's just someone who lives at home with their parents. What about the teenager who gets bullied everyday? Or the young girl who sells herself and her body because her family can't afford to give her what she wants. Same goes for that young boy who wants more and gets manipulated by an older gentleman or woman? 

Mental health is not a game to be played with. It is a serious discussion we must have in our households and in our schools. Look for the signs. Look for the kid or adult who pulls away from others, look for the person who seems down all the time. Don't just gossip, ask questions, let them know that they can talk to you. Even if it's just a shoulder to lean on. A time to vent. Urge them to seek medical help, i.e, a psychologist, psychiatrist, a counsellor, anyone that is qualified to help them in their time of need. 

I neglected my issues for a period of time and my anger started to fester, but I'm back with my help and I have lovely friends and a doting fiancé who helps along the way. My family is slightly old school and can't fully understand, well mostly because I don't always tell them because I don't want them to worry and because in their day people apparently didn't suffer from these things (true convo). 

I just want my story to be an inspiration to you. To be your brother's/sister's keeper. Be hyper vigilant but most of all just be there. 

No, I'm not crazy, I just have some shit I'm dealing with. It would be cool if you'd help somebody deal with their shit too. 

With many words left unsaid, these are the thoughts from my head. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernée 

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Eric Garner, Mike Brown, Ezell Ford, John Crawford III. 4 unarmed black men killed by Unites States Police Officers in the past month. Some have been labelled as thugs, thieves, gang bangers, violent sociopaths, one was even mentally challenged, but it's not the fact that our young men are dying, it's how they're being portrayed. They say Mike Brown now fits the suspect that was seen at the convenience store robbery that happened hours before, but when the police officer saw him and shot him he had not a single weapon on is body. Actually, after the first two times he was shot, he turned around and put his hands up to show he had nothing, to surrender, and then was still shot 8 more times. 

Ezell Ford was mentally disabled and complying with police laying on the floor when he was shot. The police would not even tell his mother where he was being hospitalised before he died. He died alone.

Eric Garner was put in a choke hold because he allegedly was resisting arrest for once more allegedly illegally selling cigarettes. 

John Crawford III was playing with a toy handgun when he was gunned down. What more can I say about that?

They're those that say social outrage occurs when there's a shooting of an unarmed man, we should be focusing more on black on black violence, but wait, hold up, what do you think we've been trying to prevent for years? We set up community centers, after school programs and we try to raise our children in a way that in educating themselves they do not fall victim to the pressures and ills of society. This in itself is not a race issue, because all races kill one another. Genocide, 'weeding out the bad seeds', those happen within every race. Must I go to the paper I wrote on Genocide and the effect it has on society psychologically? Because I could. 

Why I say the revolution will not be televised is because we are now in the age of warfare. Where black kids are afraid to walk the streets. In Barbados, we're more afraid that our house will be raided because of some error made by Police, or some kind of erroneous excuse of a death by Police Officers. We're afraid of our circumstances because things are getting so unbelievably grim that youth are dropping at our feet. Romario Yarde, 20, killed on Sunday, Mark Walton (age unknown) but killed last Monday, by who? A 18 yr old and 20 yr old.

The Revolution will not be televised. 

The day where our young boys in Barbados, are hunted and gunned down like deer by Police, just like they're doing in the US, we will see war, we will see blood in the streets, we will see protests, we will see our prison cells full and I will sit and say, 'The revolution will not be televised. 

What sparked this blog just now was a video my friend shared on FaceBook. It hurt me to my core. A young girl was being mouthy, ok, police told her to leave, she started walking off, one white officer decided that he was going to grab her back and by instinct her brother stepped in to help dissolve the situation. He was then thrown to the ground, with one officer's knee on his neck, and the officer who grabbed his sister pinning him down handcuffing him, all the while he was was asking 'what did I do? That's my sister'. It made me think of my own four brothers and what they would do for me, and the fact that we all know I would sit in a jail cell for them. But to know that you stepped in to help diffuse the situation to save your sister and that's what happens, what if someone attacks your mother or father, cousin, aunt, grandparent? Are you to sit idly by? Excuse my language right now, but the revolution will not be fucking televised. 

I am not a Pan-Africanist, I am not a freedom fighter but I AM human, I bleed the same red blood as everyone else and therefore can formulate my own opinions. I AM a feminist, and I will until the day I die, work towards the rights of young women and girls all over this world, because in the end we only have each other to lean on and not 'The Man'.

Gil Scott-Heron (may he rest in peace) said 'The Revolution will not be televised' and he was right. The violence will never end because human nature does not allow rage and anger and power hunger to cease, but we can do something about it. I am absolutely tired of seeing my young people falling on the streets, race excluded. Tired of seeing kids dropping like flies in Syria and Gaza, young black men being reduced to nothing but meagre minions all over the World and I'm tired of seeing my young women lose all respect for themselves. Here is Gil's "The Revolution will not be Televised'.

"The Revolution Will Not Be Televised"

You will not be able to stay home, brother.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out.
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and
skip out for beer during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox
In 4 parts without commercial interruptions.
The revolution will not show you pictures of Nixon
blowing a bugle and leading a charge by John
Mitchell, General Abrams and Mendel Rivers to eat
hog maws confiscated from a Harlem sanctuary.

The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by the
Schaefer Award Theatre and will not star Natalie
Woods and Steve McQueen or Bullwinkle and Julia.
The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal.
The revolution will not get rid of the nubs.
The revolution will not make you look five pounds
thinner, the revolution will not be televised, Brother.

There will be no pictures of you and Willie Mays
pushing that shopping cart down the block on the dead run,
or trying to slide that color television into a stolen ambulance.
NBC will not be able predict the winner at 8:32
on reports from 29 districts.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down
brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of Whitney Young being
run out of Harlem on a rail with a brand new process.
There will be no slow motion or still life of Roy
Wilkens strolling through Watts in a Red, Black and
Green liberation jumpsuit that he had been saving
For just the right occasion.

Green Acres, The Beverly Hillbillies, and Hooterville
Junction will no longer be so god damned relevant, and
women will not care if Dick finally screwed
Jane on Search for Tomorrow because Black people
will be in the street looking for a brighter day.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no highlights on the eleven o'clock
news and no pictures of hairy armed women
liberationists and Jackie Onassis blowing her nose.
The theme song will not be written by Jim Webb or
Francis Scott Key, nor sung by Glen Campbell, Tom
Jones, Johnny Cash or Englebert Humperdink.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be right back
after a message about a white tornado, white lightning, or white people.
You will not have to worry about a dove in your
bedroom, a tiger in your tank, or the giant in your toilet bowl.
The revolution will not go better with Coke.
The revolution will not fight the germs that may cause bad breath.
The revolution will put you in the driver's seat.

The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernee