For those who know nothing of what goes on on the inside, I'm a controlled diabetic and I'm hypertensive. Mostly because I'm stressed all the time. Most of you might wonder 'but why she stressed, she ain got nuh children'. I utterly hate that. Because I have no children does not mean that you cannot be stressed from other things. And please do not come to me with the 'but you live at home and your parents look after you' bs, or the 'look at it this way, there are people less fortunate than you'. I am clearly aware of ALL of these things, but it does not make my mind any better.
Let me explain. Underneath happy, kind, and seemingly strong Vernée is a woman with a broken mind. I have been, since I was 11, diagnosed with depression. This started with pre-adolescence and me thinking my parents didn't understand me and me finding love within myself. Might I also throw in that I'm a chronic insomniac. Do you know what it's like taking sleeping pills from the time you were 12/13? It's nothing good. Many of you may have wondered how I lost all of that weight last year and have now out every bit of it back on. It was and has nothing to do with discipline. Due to the fact that I had predisposed mental issues, the HCG hormone did NOT agree with me mentally. I am now manic depressive, I have 4 personality disorders:- antisocial disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder and paranoid disorder. I am also diagnosed bipolar and suffer from constant anxiety and panic attacks. Every night I pop 4 pills for these issues and if I want the sleep process to happen faster, I may pop 6. I also take one capsule in the morning to help stabilise my mood swings. So here goes:- A day in the mind of Vernée.
I wake up, and going back to sleep depends on the manner in which I've woken up. Happy, in the middle, or it's not a good day. A happy day means I've had a happy night and I've slept through the night. In the middle means I've just slept through the night and a bad day means I've tossed and turned and have had horrible dreams. I hardly have an appetite now, but when I get hungry I can eat all of Stone Mountain. So maybe I'll eat or maybe I won't but I'll drink more than a gallon of water for sure. Why do I worry? Why am I stressed? (Those cause the anxiety attacks by the way)
I worry because I am 27 and still live at home. I have been making my own money since I was 11 and it hurts me to my core (even as I am typing this water is coming to my eyes) to know that I have been through all the stages of school and degrees minus the doctorate I plan on doing in 2016, Lord having spareth my life, that I cannot, no, CANNOT get a job despite my degree being a specialised degree that is needed here in Barbados. It bugs me that even though I am approaching two years as to being back home that I still have not adapted myself to living with my parents, which then coincides with the antisocial-ness and I isolate myself to the confines of my room. It also annoys me that my parents often forget that I am an adult and while I will always appreciate their concern for me, I am capable of making my own decisions and learning from my mistakes.
The mind of Vernée is a complexed one. It houses an IQ of over 150 but is too broken to realise it's own potential. It is so caught up with the future that it cannot recognise the present.
Why am I telling you all of this? So that when you look at an average person having a bad day you don't just call them a bitch or judge. You have no idea what they're going through. I'm also telling you this to bring awareness to mental health. Yes everyone talks about cancers and all of these other diseases, but no one talks about suicide? Do you know how many times I've either thought about committing suicide or have tried? We tend to dismiss mental health like it's not an important issue, but when a high school kid shoots up a school we blame TV and video games. I call that bullshit. A cop out. We have no idea what goes on in the minds of our youth or adults. We don't know what they face on a daily basis. We don't know what scares them. Wanna know what scares me? Death, not finding a job, not being able to pay my bills, not being able to get pregnant again. And that's just someone who lives at home with their parents. What about the teenager who gets bullied everyday? Or the young girl who sells herself and her body because her family can't afford to give her what she wants. Same goes for that young boy who wants more and gets manipulated by an older gentleman or woman?
Mental health is not a game to be played with. It is a serious discussion we must have in our households and in our schools. Look for the signs. Look for the kid or adult who pulls away from others, look for the person who seems down all the time. Don't just gossip, ask questions, let them know that they can talk to you. Even if it's just a shoulder to lean on. A time to vent. Urge them to seek medical help, i.e, a psychologist, psychiatrist, a counsellor, anyone that is qualified to help them in their time of need.
I neglected my issues for a period of time and my anger started to fester, but I'm back with my help and I have lovely friends and a doting fiancé who helps along the way. My family is slightly old school and can't fully understand, well mostly because I don't always tell them because I don't want them to worry and because in their day people apparently didn't suffer from these things (true convo).
I just want my story to be an inspiration to you. To be your brother's/sister's keeper. Be hyper vigilant but most of all just be there.
No, I'm not crazy, I just have some shit I'm dealing with. It would be cool if you'd help somebody deal with their shit too.
With many words left unsaid, these are the thoughts from my head.
May the road RISE to meet you.
Vernée
I wrote something before but for some reason it did not post. But the gist of it is this...This post I was able to identify with in so many ways. In fact it reminded me so much of myself. I too despite being extremely qualified cannot for the life of me find a paying gig. People think that your life is so perfect because from the outside your support system is sublime. Really and truly being unable to afford your own things and further being your own independent person--at my age is hard. It stresses you out to the core and the only saving grace is a handful of people who give you a laugh once in a while. I find it so hard to be happy sometimes but I must keep trying. So I am imploring you to keep on trying. There is some light at the end of the tunnel...at least that is what I tell myself
ReplyDeleteI believe that everyone has that beautiful light in them. Pass yours on. Thanks a lot.
DeleteThanks for the encouragement, now pay it forward and help someone else. You never know what the power of two little words can do. 😘
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