In another world, in another time...

This article was the very first article I had ever had published while I was working at BBS in The HEAT magazine, a subsidiary magazine done by The Barbados Advocate. It was August 2010, I was 23, and I think I was in another world, another body and another time, but what I do know was that I was always destined to write. From WTPS to Lecturing at UWI Cave Hill, words have always been in my blood. For those of you who remember this, 'big up!'... 'rah, rah, rah, rahhhhhh'. To those who've never seen it, here's 23 year old Vernee. 


'As a child, I relished the thought of my life happening just as it does in a Disney movie. Ya know, those Princess movies, where I’m either Cinderella, Beauty, Jasmine or even Ariel, waiting for my Prince Charming to come and swoop me up off of my feet and we live ‘happily ever after’.  I was so much in love with all of those stories that from the time I was in Primary School I started looking for who I wanted my soul mate to be, so much that I had a primary school crush from the time I was in Class 1 until Class 4; crazy huh? Then we went to two different Secondary Schools and as I got older, my idea of Prince Charming started to change. Well, that and the fact that teenaged life is the most cut throat it could possibly get and puberty chose not to spare me. So as my body and developed, so did my brain and in 3rd form I started to list all of the qualities that my Prince Charming must have.  He had to be first of all charming and dashing, ya know, one of those guys that his shoes matched his shirt and his shirt matched his hat, and he always smells good, yup, one of those. He had to be tall and slim and fair skinned (I know, how superficial could I have been) and good teeth, can’t talk to a guy with crooked teeth. Oh, and he had to be older, not a lot older, just older. And I went through my teenaged years thinking ‘is this what it’s supposed to be, because I am not having any luck, where is my Prince Charming?’ Needless to say, the fact that I was a head strong individual didn’t make it any better either, but as we all know, teenaged life isn’t supposed to be a fairy tale, we struggle with identity issues, self-esteem problems and puberty, let’s not forget puberty (Sometimes I think we’re forever going through puberty, just by different names, mid-life crisis, menopause, yup, it’s all the same!)  

My Secondary School life then faded and when I entered BCC, I had a totally different outlook on life and the idea of my ‘Prince Charming’. I still wanted a prince, I really did, but my standards and criteria changed as well. He still had to be tall, and he still had to be handsome but he didn’t have to be slim anymore. By then I was fully into sports and was an avid hockey player and sports enthusiast, so I wanted me one of those athletic types, you know what I mean, the broad shoulders and washboard abs and defined thighs, the kind that looks like it was sculpted by the Gods.  I’m getting chills just sitting here writing about it.  But he did have to at least play a sport and work, not someone who was the same age as me, at college, not knowing what they wanted to do with the rest of their life.   Throughout those two years, I was plagued with bad break-ups and I thought, ‘goodness Disney, I’m starting to think he doesn’t exist’ and then I met this guy, I’ll never forget him. I thought it was over and that my search for my Prince was done and it was like heaven. Every time I was around him and he said ‘I love you’, I felt chills about my body and I knew I had found what I was searching for and that would be it. So that lasted for six months, yes, I said it, six months; we broke up due to ‘problems’ in our relationship. Funny thing is, I didn’t even know we were having problems, I guess I was too caught up in the fairy tale that was love between him and I.  As I entered UWI, my ideals changed once more, and I now wanted a King, a Prince just wasn’t going to do, I mean after all, if you follow those stories anyway, the King is the one who makes all the important decisions and at any rate has to approve the union of the Prince and his love. So why not skip out the middle man and go for the ‘big fish’, or so I thought. And as I struggled once again with my own identity issues and my own realisations that I have no idea anymore what I want to do with my life, I realised that, that was how I treated my relationships and that is when I found out that all I needed was someone to accept me for me, and someone who could love me for the person that I am. I had been so caught up in this fairy tale that when reality hit me, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  It’s then that I realised that we have to make our own ‘happily ever after’. It will not happen just as it does in the books and the movies and it probably won’t be the Prince that you see there either. We cannot find happiness and love with someone else if we first do not love ourselves. It’s a process that takes time, and as time passes we learn to grow through those experiences. As I look back on how I viewed things, even just a few years ago, I ask myself, but would it have been different if I loved me first. The other thing that we need to realise is that relationships are not one – sided, there are two people who have decided to be together, therefore it should be a joint effort where both parties at least try to make 50/50. Still, love for self, should always come first. Ladies, my young, beautiful and talented ladies love yourselves, because, truth is, if not for us, the world would cease to exist, why do you think they call it ‘Mother Nature’? And guys, you are the roots that we rely on for a solid foundation, love yourselves, if not for you, we would be struggling organisms looking for that push to grow.   

Stay blessed my people and remember, ‘happily ever after’ does exist, love you for the wonderful human beings that you are and stop letting Disney tell you who your Prince or Princess should be. Still watch their movies though; they have the best movies ever!'

Not much of a difference now maybe. Still a Disney fanatic and I believe in Prince Charming. His name is Kyle D.

Love and Light.

Vernee Amanda Marianne

Sex and Sexuality

"We teach girls to shrink themselves
To make themselves smaller
We say to girls,
"You can have ambition
But not too much
You should aim to be successful
But not too successful
Otherwise you will threaten the man."
Because I am female
I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that
Marriage is the most important
Now marriage can be a source of
Joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
And we don't teach boys the same?
We raise girls to see each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments
Which I think can be a good thing
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
In the way that boys are
Feminist: the person who believes in the social,Political,and economic equality of the sexes"

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 

Thought this one was gonna be dicey and spicy because of the title right? WRONG!

I often sit baffled at the way our young people carry themselves, especially our girls. We have raised them in a misogynistic society. WE have taught them to bow down a the feet of men, and do their bidding. We have taught them that the only way to get ahead in life is to give up piece of themselves;- to offer their sexuality as a means of payment for goods and services received. 
How can we talk about social, emotional and mental equality of the sexes when we practically sell our girls to the industry. We plaster them to compete with each other in pageants with the skimpiest swimwear or little to no clothes, we teach them to fight not for their children and the rights of their child, but for men, for their 'baby daddies'. How is that fair?

We pit our boys against each other to see who can outshine who. Who can afford the latest gear, the biggest phone, the newest pair of Jordans, but we cannot pit them against each other with who has the most degrees, or the most work experience. By 17 my CV already had at least 6 jobs on it. What 17 year old, male or female can say that now.
The parents of this generation do not have the same ideologies of the parents of my generation and truth is, for that child to not fall to the ills of society, they just need some guidance, or some love. Someone to give them a hug, to say I love you. To not be a damn friend but to be a parent.

Look at what we are doing to our kids. Double standards as it relates to sex and sexuality and then the old people love to shout 'how the young people get so?', because you chose to watch us suffer, not lend a helping hand. I don't want my kids' idols to be the Kardashians or half of these whack ass role models out there. I want my kids' idols to be Nelson, Kofi Anaan, Mia, Che, Marcus Garvey, Martin Luther, Malcolm X, Walter Rodney, George Lamming, Frantz Fanon, Ralph Gonsalves, Fidel, Sigmund Freud, Karl Marx, Betty Friedman, Marianne Weber and so much more, but the only way for that to happen is if I teach them. 

Sex and Sexuality: it pains to say that from the misogynistic society that we live in, this will be forever a waging war. Until we teach our girls to see each other for what they can learn, through a book or maybe someone sharing their life experiences, or for us to stop feeding the patriarchal mind. Our boys can achieve so much if we just give them the time. Do you know how many young men at HMP have said to me 'if only somebody used to check fuh me'. Sorry if I sound like a feminist. Wait, hold up, no, I'm not sorry, I claim it. I definitely am a Feminist. I will forever fight for the equality of the sexes. Our youth are suffering, will we let it continue into generations to come?

The ever so not impressed;-

Vernee Amanda Marianne

Love and Light

The Thin Line

 I have always had grandiose ideas of being Vernee Sobers PhD, I mean I still have that idea, whether it be PsyD or PhD, one of those will definitely follow all of the other accolades behind my name. Still, at 28, after being a perpetual student from the age of 5, being engaged and making wedding and life plans, there is now that thin line between pursuing further education and settling down and playing house and popping out my lover's babies. 

 At what point in time do we consider each spectrum of this thin line. On one hand, education is my pride and joy, it is what I thrive on, I'm an academic in pursuit for heaven's sake. But still, as I sit on the cusp of 30,  my ovaries are screaming 'Oye! You! Try fertilise these eggs, lest they shrivel up and die'.  And that seriously is what I'm convinced they're saying. 

 My thin line has come, but I honestly think I have made my decision. In my eyes, education will always be there, but will my eggs be?

 We all have that right to consider what in life we wish to pursue. Whether it be a career, a degree or a family. It's so bad that I can see myself being a housewife, ok, I lied, I'm quite feminist, I believe in equal roles and the opportunity to pay a nursery to keep my child (my mother has already gracefully declined) so that those people can get money too. I very much believe in a functionalist society. Every thing and everyone serves a purpose. My purpose might be to help others, to make them laugh, to give them hope, maybe even for them to say 'because of Vernée I could'. 

To my future husband, with the hope of God's grace we will grow old together.

To my unborn child, no worries, mummy chose you over getting a Doctorate, she didn't really have to think about it. Maybe she'll go for it when you're 4 and daddy has you covered.

Thin lines? Do what your heart tells you.

With many words left unsaid, these are the thoughts from my head.

Just Vernée

Aren't females Important too?

With the upsurge of female related crime, I have chosen to publish the final chapter of my Master's thesis which speaks about this same problem. Ya know, just some light reading. *insert smile here*.

I would love for this to be an open discussion. We need to talk about women, we need to say their names, we need to help them, not just sit and laugh or chastise. Go ahead, read it. 

Chapter 5

                “It is easy to talk about the importance of empowerment for young women. But how can such a laudable principle best be translated into direct and daily practice when the law and departmental procedures constrain and inhibit both young women and young men from having a real say in their lives?”. (Hudson, 1990, p. 122)

Coming into this study, the consensus was that there would be a difference in the types of risk factors found between Barbados and the United Kingdom. This was felt because of the socio economical differences between the two countries, being that the UK is a First World nation and Barbados has only within the past 7 months been awarded Developed Nation status. Still, based on the results of the study,  it is seen that the risk factors and the circumstances are the same, which means, that these factors are not reliant on geographical status, but on the problems that young people from all walks of life face on the whole.  Also, in addressing the ideas of women being problematic, Hudson (1990) notes that women are often perceived by social welfare agencies as being hard to work with, having little political capital and labelled in high pejorative ways such as manipulative, uncontrollable and promiscuous. On the other hand, based on the responses given within the study, it is seen that it is not the case of women being difficult to work with, but the complexities which encompass the biological make up of women, makes them more emotional than men as well as having different needs, which means that men and women cannot be put into the same category while being assessed by social welfare.

It is also seen, that there needs to be work done on sustaining family relationships and quality of home life, where parents and their daughters come to some point of cohesiveness and girls are allowed to express the way in which they feel to their parents and vice versa without being victimized. Hudson (1990) says, “The central role of the family in these young women’s welfare career further distinguishes them from their male counterparts. The more that parents feel unable to cope with or curtail their daughters perceived waywardness and the greater the force of their pressure for something to be done, the greater the likelihood of state intervention. Consequently, many young women enter care not through the courts but by way of a voluntary reception into care. Others do appear before the Juvenile Courts but usually because local authority has applied for a care order on the ground that the young woman is ‘beyond parental control’ or in ‘moral danger’.” (1990, p. 119) The idea that a young woman can be ‘beyond parental control’ is disheartening especially because that notion can be easily fixed if familial needs are addressed from early. Mays (1972) asserts that cohesive, stable families even in poor and substandard urban areas often save their children from falling into delinquency because of the close care and consistent discipline and affection which are readily and constantly available. He goes on to note that, “It is because consistency in handling is so vital that the old myth of the broken home is seen to be misleading. A child with one good, loving, caring parent is less of a delinquent risk than the child from the home where parents disagree, quarrel of fail to carry out their duties”.  (Mays, 1972, p. 6)  This researcher has observed, especially in a Juvenile Court setting, parents being quick to diminish their responsibilities towards their ‘problematic’ children by saying, ‘I can’t help them, I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve tried my best’, when they haven’t been playing the slightest of stable parental roles in their child’s life.  These parental roles need to be worked on, in order to ensure that youths feel as though they are in loving and capable families.

Early intervention is important for any young female who presents or shows high risk factors to delinquency in an attempt to keep that young girl from entering a Juvenile Court.  As mentioned in Chapter 2, Walker (1963) asserts that once a girl has entered a juvenile court, she is introduced to the world of delinquency. She goes on to say, “It is, therefore, not surprising that we find a considerable number of girls who, though in no way criminals themselves, become the affectionate, protective, wholly supporting, though unstable partners of seriously delinquent youths and men. I do not believe that not nearly enough is being done to prevent girls from entering a juvenile courtroom for the first time, for the wayward girl will support and give reassurance to her criminal boy friend, just as men in all other walks of life receive support and reassurance from their wives and girl friends”. (Walker, 1963, p.27) The fact that intervention was mentioned by each respondent in more than three questions shows that it is seen as an extremely important response to looking at the risk factors of young female offenders.

What needs to be noted before any recommendations are given, is that the resourcing capabilities are different between these two countries, which means that for the United Kingdom, there is a higher chance of programme implementation than there is in Barbados.

As has been put forward by numerous Government action plans and papers, the United Kingdom is on track for tackling youth violence and has specific interventions aimed at young females, most notably the ones outlined in the ‘Ending Gang and Youth Violence’ report of 2011, which includes;- Youth activity groups outside of school, a Girls and Gangs working group and workshops set up for families of girls involved in gangs as well as being victims of violence or gang activity and those caught up in youth offending. However, there are a number of recommendations that can be made for Barbados.

There are two main programs used by the Government in the intervention of female criminality. As mentioned by the Barbadian respondents, there is the Girls Circle which is used by the Probation Office as well as the Juvenile Liaison Scheme in which volunteers are encourage to foster close relationships with juveniles thereby assisting with their supervision.  The Scheme also offers a summer program to deviant and problematic teenagers in which they assist each child in setting goals for themselves, exploring the importance of team work, practising of respect for self and others as well as conflict resolution. These programs have proven effective to a certain extent, but more needs to be focused on gender specific interventions to help tackle the rise of young female criminality on the island. Much emphasis is placed on ‘the boys on the block’ because it is felt that boys are more problematic in behaviour than girl, but this is a wide misconception. Yes boys do have higher criminality rates than girls, and thus the reason why girls are put on the back burner, but the more they are left to sizzle in the pot, the more they will start to become more of a problem than they are right now. 

• ·         The first recommendation is that more positive female roles  be emphasized within the country. Every quarter, (based on resourcing needs) there should be a workshop involving positive female empowerment, where girls between the ages of 13 – 17 would be invited from Secondary Schools across the island so that they would be able to participate and speak to other successful females, especially those who have overcome or exhibited cases of resilience.
• ·         The second recommendation is based on the study by Bolzan and Gale (2011) in Australia and the idea of the ‘interrupted space’. This takes young females and allows them to showcase skills that they did not know existed within them. It is a method of creating resilience within the young female. Examples of ways to do this, would be to offer them the opportunity to be a part of creative process, might that be directing a film, creating a magazine, running a small legitimate business and such. Especially if the young girl thrives in the opportunity that has been given to her, she can see that whatever marginalities she comes from, she can get past without turning to a life of offending. 
• ·         The third recommendation is to encourage extra-curricular activities not only within the school but within the community. If these young women have something else to look forward to, even if their home situations cannot be fixed, the idea of being involved in a greater process might be enough to fuel a life without offending.  To be specific, not just activities such as ‘modelling’ which is all the new craze on the island but activities such as dance, and theatre and music. The reason why ‘modelling’ is not seen as a productive extra-curricular activity is from the sexualisation that it implicates on the island and it is felt that these girls not need be reminded that their bodies are a ‘meal ticket’ but that their mind is.

These three recommendations can prove highly effective along with other programs that would allow for the early intervention of young female offending. This study was extremely small and preliminary, but it is felt by this researcher than it should be researched further not only in Barbados but within the United Kingdom, as well as an opportunity to have a longitudinal study, which can pin point other psychological, biological and sociological factors throughout an individual’s life, that would not have been present during adolescence. 

Sometimes...

Ernie once sang, 'Sometimes I imagine
That I would like to be
A knight in shining armor
In a castle by the sea'

Tonight, well this morning I got so down that I penned a suicide letter. I told my parents how sorry I was that I couldn't make it anymore, that I gave up, chose not to fight anymore because my eyes, body and mind needed rest. I told Kyle that I have never loved another man more than I love him, but this wouldn't work. I can't keep him worried about my mental state 24/7. I told Shante how beautiful and strong she is. That she has the power to take over the world and not to weep for me because despite it all, I believe that God would allow me to watch over her for the rest of her days. My biggest apology was to my friends. Truth is I'd go to hell and back for them, without them, I really am nothing. Lastly I apologized to The Divine for giving up. I know I'm a role model to many but my mind couldn't handle it anymore. I asked for his forgiveness. 

'Sometimes I imagine...'

It was minutes to three and I was in my bed breaking down, sleep eluded and still eludes me. I thought constantly about life and friendships. I think about how hard I work and sometimes see no silver lining. And I was a mess. I called my Decla, couldn't hear her, called my cousin and couldn't hear her either, so I kept calling Decla because she was who I wanted to talk to. If anyone could calm me down before I make this decision it would be her. She answered, she heard my tears, she talked to me and gave me endless suggestions to calm down. I always find it amazing that the Psychologist/Counselor (being me)has to get advice from one of her bestest friends to not make another bad decision. Eventually I told her to go to sleep and I put down the phone. I said, you're living tonight, and I took a long cold shower and cried while listening to music. 
'Sometimes I imagine
That I would like to be
A daring bold explorer
Sailing far across the sea'

I have not ventured into my gallery at night/wee hours of the morning in a very long time, but by then it was 3:45 a.m. and I said take a blanket and headphones, sing. Doesn't matter who hears, just sing. The first song that played was 'Imagine Me' by Kirk Franklin and I chuckled and said 'you trying to show me a sign eh'. I sat out there until I could see dawn breaking, listening, crying, breathing and then I remembered the tattoo on the top of my back; 'The Lord is my refuge and strength, in him I place my trust'.

'Sometimes I imagine...'

Tonight/this morning made me realize that he's not ready for me yet, I still have lots more lives to impact. I'm sitting here at Vernon's laptop crying and typing but sometimes I imagine that I would like to be stronger, happier, content with life, not so afraid of the future, more trusting, full of lots more love and less anger. I imagine that I am next to my baby, hugging him and feeling secure rather than an empty bed. Sometimes I imagine that I could do a lot more than I am doing now, but at the same time I imagine one day at a time.

We all go through trials and tribulations. Mental illness is a nightmare but does that mean that I shouldn't let the world experience my smile? 

With many words left unsaid, these are the thoughts from my head.

'And I'd tip my hat
Imagine that
Imagine thaaaaaaat
Imagine that!'

Plain ole Vernee. #trying #trusting #facingitwithfaith

What's In A Name?

I would've kept this blog to post on Father's Day, but he'll get one then too. Oh! And 'eeeeeeekkkkkk'!! I haven't written since February! Life is way too hectic for me. I need to slow down, take a vacation and just chilllllll. But I digress.

What's in a name? I mean really, what's in a name anyway? Today's feature presentation stems from countless conversations I've been having as well as some insight into my own life, some good ol' retrospection.

I have no intentions on changing my name when I get married. None. The funny thing is that every time this conversation comes up people automatically assume it's all about me being a feminist and taking a stance. Er, no, that's not it at all.
Year before I wrote about legacies, about what we choose to leave others saying on this earth. About the life we are given and how we live them and my choice is based solely on legacy.

Vernon Coleridge Sobers was born on the 2nd of July 1941 and had 4 children. 3 boys and 1 girl (I assume you know that 1 girl is moi). 1 son is a Giles, 1 son is a Farrell and 1 son is a Sobers. He has two biological grandchildren and 1 adopted grand daughter, they are 2 Farrells and 1 Burnham. His other two sons don't have children (...yet and my fingers are crossed) and even if and WHEN they do, there's no guarantee that those children will take their last names, which at any rate leaves one son to actually carry on the Sobers name.
My daddy despite his lackadaisical, semi immoral, beautiful mind has created a great legacy and I feel as though it would be an injustice to him to throw away my name. I am a Sobers more than I am a Clarke or a Hinkson (mum's side of the family). I might take after my aunt's and my grandmother (mum's mummy) but I am Vernon to my core. I look like him, I have all of his attributes and whenever he leaves the island, despite whether I'm driving him/them or not, I have to get my two kisses and a rub nose to send him off as old as I am, He will always be my daddy. Not dad, or father, not even Papa Smurf as his children and grandchildren affectionately call him, but MY DADDY and I feel it is my duty to carry on that name.

Once I achieve a doctorate, I will Dr. Vernee Sobers PhD. I will marry the beautiful human being that I am engaged to, but I will not be a Barrow, I will be a Sobers. My children will have a double barrelled last name because I will drill in them the wonderful man their grand father is and was. 

I always say I owe everything in my life to faith and the love and perseverance of my parents. For always looking out for me even when I was convinced I could take care of myself, but it's also seeing them take care of others that has made me the person I am today. If I could spend the rest of my life helping people and still be able to live comfortably I would because that is the life I was shown. Serviam will always be my motto just like I've seen them serve family, friend and foe.

What's in a name? Who knows? What's in my daddy's name? A whole lot!

Stay tuned for more from the Sobers clan. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

That Sobers girl.

The God In You.

Jay Z once said 'I was born a God, made myself a King, that means I downgraded to a Human being, you was born a Goddess, I made you my queen which means we upgraded to Louis the Thirteen' 

We always have the argument of man being called Gods and Goddesses, but if we claim that God is omnipotent, in everywhere and everything, has no gender, no race or creed, then why can't God be in you and me? 

I do not consider myself the religious type, I've expressed this before, I really am spiritually based, forming my love for The Divine on faith and what The Lord has done for me but I know that on the history and teachings of my ancestors, God is in every one of us. 

I urge you to see God in you. Not for power or fame, but for love of self, love of your brothers and sisters, love of all things around you, from the tallest tree to the tiniest ant. I urge you to find that kindness that dwells deep within so that you may understand your purpose on earth, your purpose towards your people. I see God in sooo many people that it touches me daily as to how they use their talents to incite change and to spread love, I compel you to continue. 

To those of you who don't believe in God, but still do great things, doesn't matter, there is still a God in you. Continue to be great, continue to be profound but most of all, continue being you. How can we settle for less when there is something so unbelievably brilliant within us? 

Thank you for seeing the God/Goddess in me. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernée