Sometimes...

Ernie once sang, 'Sometimes I imagine
That I would like to be
A knight in shining armor
In a castle by the sea'

Tonight, well this morning I got so down that I penned a suicide letter. I told my parents how sorry I was that I couldn't make it anymore, that I gave up, chose not to fight anymore because my eyes, body and mind needed rest. I told Kyle that I have never loved another man more than I love him, but this wouldn't work. I can't keep him worried about my mental state 24/7. I told Shante how beautiful and strong she is. That she has the power to take over the world and not to weep for me because despite it all, I believe that God would allow me to watch over her for the rest of her days. My biggest apology was to my friends. Truth is I'd go to hell and back for them, without them, I really am nothing. Lastly I apologized to The Divine for giving up. I know I'm a role model to many but my mind couldn't handle it anymore. I asked for his forgiveness. 

'Sometimes I imagine...'

It was minutes to three and I was in my bed breaking down, sleep eluded and still eludes me. I thought constantly about life and friendships. I think about how hard I work and sometimes see no silver lining. And I was a mess. I called my Decla, couldn't hear her, called my cousin and couldn't hear her either, so I kept calling Decla because she was who I wanted to talk to. If anyone could calm me down before I make this decision it would be her. She answered, she heard my tears, she talked to me and gave me endless suggestions to calm down. I always find it amazing that the Psychologist/Counselor (being me)has to get advice from one of her bestest friends to not make another bad decision. Eventually I told her to go to sleep and I put down the phone. I said, you're living tonight, and I took a long cold shower and cried while listening to music. 
'Sometimes I imagine
That I would like to be
A daring bold explorer
Sailing far across the sea'

I have not ventured into my gallery at night/wee hours of the morning in a very long time, but by then it was 3:45 a.m. and I said take a blanket and headphones, sing. Doesn't matter who hears, just sing. The first song that played was 'Imagine Me' by Kirk Franklin and I chuckled and said 'you trying to show me a sign eh'. I sat out there until I could see dawn breaking, listening, crying, breathing and then I remembered the tattoo on the top of my back; 'The Lord is my refuge and strength, in him I place my trust'.

'Sometimes I imagine...'

Tonight/this morning made me realize that he's not ready for me yet, I still have lots more lives to impact. I'm sitting here at Vernon's laptop crying and typing but sometimes I imagine that I would like to be stronger, happier, content with life, not so afraid of the future, more trusting, full of lots more love and less anger. I imagine that I am next to my baby, hugging him and feeling secure rather than an empty bed. Sometimes I imagine that I could do a lot more than I am doing now, but at the same time I imagine one day at a time.

We all go through trials and tribulations. Mental illness is a nightmare but does that mean that I shouldn't let the world experience my smile? 

With many words left unsaid, these are the thoughts from my head.

'And I'd tip my hat
Imagine that
Imagine thaaaaaaat
Imagine that!'

Plain ole Vernee. #trying #trusting #facingitwithfaith

What's In A Name?

I would've kept this blog to post on Father's Day, but he'll get one then too. Oh! And 'eeeeeeekkkkkk'!! I haven't written since February! Life is way too hectic for me. I need to slow down, take a vacation and just chilllllll. But I digress.

What's in a name? I mean really, what's in a name anyway? Today's feature presentation stems from countless conversations I've been having as well as some insight into my own life, some good ol' retrospection.

I have no intentions on changing my name when I get married. None. The funny thing is that every time this conversation comes up people automatically assume it's all about me being a feminist and taking a stance. Er, no, that's not it at all.
Year before I wrote about legacies, about what we choose to leave others saying on this earth. About the life we are given and how we live them and my choice is based solely on legacy.

Vernon Coleridge Sobers was born on the 2nd of July 1941 and had 4 children. 3 boys and 1 girl (I assume you know that 1 girl is moi). 1 son is a Giles, 1 son is a Farrell and 1 son is a Sobers. He has two biological grandchildren and 1 adopted grand daughter, they are 2 Farrells and 1 Burnham. His other two sons don't have children (...yet and my fingers are crossed) and even if and WHEN they do, there's no guarantee that those children will take their last names, which at any rate leaves one son to actually carry on the Sobers name.
My daddy despite his lackadaisical, semi immoral, beautiful mind has created a great legacy and I feel as though it would be an injustice to him to throw away my name. I am a Sobers more than I am a Clarke or a Hinkson (mum's side of the family). I might take after my aunt's and my grandmother (mum's mummy) but I am Vernon to my core. I look like him, I have all of his attributes and whenever he leaves the island, despite whether I'm driving him/them or not, I have to get my two kisses and a rub nose to send him off as old as I am, He will always be my daddy. Not dad, or father, not even Papa Smurf as his children and grandchildren affectionately call him, but MY DADDY and I feel it is my duty to carry on that name.

Once I achieve a doctorate, I will Dr. Vernee Sobers PhD. I will marry the beautiful human being that I am engaged to, but I will not be a Barrow, I will be a Sobers. My children will have a double barrelled last name because I will drill in them the wonderful man their grand father is and was. 

I always say I owe everything in my life to faith and the love and perseverance of my parents. For always looking out for me even when I was convinced I could take care of myself, but it's also seeing them take care of others that has made me the person I am today. If I could spend the rest of my life helping people and still be able to live comfortably I would because that is the life I was shown. Serviam will always be my motto just like I've seen them serve family, friend and foe.

What's in a name? Who knows? What's in my daddy's name? A whole lot!

Stay tuned for more from the Sobers clan. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

That Sobers girl.

The God In You.

Jay Z once said 'I was born a God, made myself a King, that means I downgraded to a Human being, you was born a Goddess, I made you my queen which means we upgraded to Louis the Thirteen' 

We always have the argument of man being called Gods and Goddesses, but if we claim that God is omnipotent, in everywhere and everything, has no gender, no race or creed, then why can't God be in you and me? 

I do not consider myself the religious type, I've expressed this before, I really am spiritually based, forming my love for The Divine on faith and what The Lord has done for me but I know that on the history and teachings of my ancestors, God is in every one of us. 

I urge you to see God in you. Not for power or fame, but for love of self, love of your brothers and sisters, love of all things around you, from the tallest tree to the tiniest ant. I urge you to find that kindness that dwells deep within so that you may understand your purpose on earth, your purpose towards your people. I see God in sooo many people that it touches me daily as to how they use their talents to incite change and to spread love, I compel you to continue. 

To those of you who don't believe in God, but still do great things, doesn't matter, there is still a God in you. Continue to be great, continue to be profound but most of all, continue being you. How can we settle for less when there is something so unbelievably brilliant within us? 

Thank you for seeing the God/Goddess in me. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernée

The Day I Had No Voice

Just before my parents came back and before I caught this chikungunya bull shit, they fogged in a neighbouring area, driving all of the Mosquitos to Wanstead Gardens. As I was being maul springed by the bitches I used this insect repellant my cousin left back and within 

10 minutes, my right tonsil went on me. I couldn't talk, I couldn't swallow and worst of all, I couldn't sing. 

I'm accustomed to driving mum's jeep with my music up to all and singing at the top of my lungs. That day, I had no voice. Everytime one of my favourite tunes came on I had no voice, I couldn't scream and shout and let it all out, I couldn't lose to win again, I couldn't let any bitch kill my vibe and I couldn't be flawless. That's when I realised, that I have a gift, one I don't use and maybe it's the avenue, finding the right one, but there is something about singing to others that feel what you feel. 

I have sung in almost every capacity, but there is nothing like singing the Holy Ghost spirit to some souls that need it, guess that's from coming up in the church. But I feel everything, once that spirit gets in my bones, whether it's jazz, RnB, Gospel and even Hip Hop, the way it comes out, I feel good and I feel happy. 

The day I lost my voice made me realise that we are given so many talents but it's up to us to choose how to use them. I might not use mine in the way I should, and I need to get back in that space , but I urge you to use your talents. Don't waste them. You never know what you'll be missing. You'll never know whose lives you will and can touch. 

Sing, Write, Read, do what you do best, but don't lose that voice. 

May the Road RISE to meet you! 

Gros Bisous

Vernée 

A Love Letter to My Body

Dear Body, 

  We've come a LONG way. From being a bit skinny to a lot chubby, to me hating you and then loving parts of you. Phew, it's been a ride. We still have a love/hate relationship but but what girl doesn't?  I'm here to tell you, despite your hammy thighs, chub chub tum and gargantuan arms, I am still somehow deeply in love with you. 

Dear Body, those two ingrown pinkies have been your birth mark since childhood, and nail polish covers them up very well, no need to fear your long big toe nail beds make up for everything and your slim and small feet make them beautiful. Stop stressing. 

Yes your eczema pulls a shadow on your smooth legs and makes even your greasiest foot look dry but baby that's why they made E45 cream. Knock those scabs out of the park.  

Unfortunately, we've let the thighs get away a but dem ain ugly yet, thick thighs and short pants tuh de wurl! 

Dear Body, can we skip the midsection? That's a work in progress. Thanks. But we can go to those boobs and say thank you grandmother for genes that you thought I needed to possess even though they're painful to all, but in the right bra and shirt, you know you love those babies, hell, you got a sternum tattoo with the excuse to show them off a bit. Good for you! 

Let us thank The Divine for these tiny hands, slender fingers and long nail beds. They are extra beautiful when I put on my rings. Boom! 

But again body, can we just excuse these enormous arms:- work in progress! Thank you very much! 

Now on to this face that I struggled with for YEARS. To my dimple, you bring me joy. To $6500 and 3 years of braces, I love to smile. Wha shoot, Ah gotta show off de man money. To this nose I flattened during 12 years of sucking my finger, I wouldn't change it for the world. And to these eyes that hold the keys to my soul, brown eyed girl, I love you so. 

To this hair that I never know what I want to do with, natural, loc'ed or straightened I love you nonetheless.

Finally to this skin, to this complexion I hated for at least the 1st 16 years of my life. To this velvety skin, skin so smooth, I never need to cream (well except my legs) I've finally accepted to salute you. I salute you because darkies rule. I salute you because I let society's idea of beauty tell me what you should be. I am sorry for all the years I was angry at you and unless my children strike back to their grandparents, I cannot wait to bring a beautiful dark skinned baby into this world.

To my body:-

You're all I have, and I'd rather love you and put on my cute clothes and flaunt than hate you. 

I must admit, that as much as my mind has lost its muchness, my booty is bigger and I'll accept that over being a raging diet-a-holic any day. 

I love you. 

Yours always,

Vernée 

May the road RISE to meet you. 

If this isn't Love

 Jazmine Sullivan started off with 'Nobody ever love me, quite like you, your love is like... I got a real good dude who loves me a lot and ain't no other man is gonna take his spot and I, I'm so happy you're mine, so imma love you a long time.'

These last three weeks have been a blur, but there was nothing more exciting than waiting to hear the gate open, those feet climb the steps, and keys turn the lock. 

Why?

Because my baby was home. I never realised our connection until we spent the last three weeks together. I guess it was more like an introduction to what living together would be like and even though he holds me at night like he's afraid that I'm going to leave, I've found myself craving that hug, falling asleep on his chest and even rolling over in the morning after being way to high off my meds even though I can never remember his kiss goodbye with the best part smelling his side knowing that he'll be home soon to give me annoying hugs and kisses.

I feel his pain and he feels mine but it hurts more when he is down mostly because I'm accustomed to being down. 

'If this isn't love, then tell me what it is cuz' I've never felt like this baby, if this isn't love, l o v e, what it means to me I o v e, if this isn't love'. 

Doesn't matter what you want to call him:- boyfriend, fiancé or Kyle this dude is or has done something to me. As I lay on his pillow and smell his cologne, I dread tomorrow night and sleeping alone.

To Kyle D. Barrow, an ode to you, for making me a better person, for standing by through 50 fucked up shades of Vernée and for being so amazing and annoying at the same time. To you my love, Everytime I put that ring on I already feel you in my soul.

Honey boo boo, your love is bright as ever, even in the shadows, baby take me, before they turn the lights out. My heart is calling and it's crashing into you, baby kiss me, before they turn the lights out. In the darkest night hour, I'll search through the crowd and baby you're all that I see, I'll give you everything, baby love me lights out. I love you like XO, you love me like XO, you give me more XO, I love you like XO, baby you're all that I see and give me everything, baby love me lights out, can you turn the lights out?

Funny how songs can fully explain how we feel right? 

Not now but forever. 

With endless words left unsaid.

These are the words from my head. 

Just Vernée 

He might have been an Anti-Semite...

Walter Disney might have been an anti-Semite i.e. For those who don't know what that means, he wasn't a big fan of Jews, but he found a way to bring happiness to every child and a way to calm my stormiest days. 

I say this in that, Disney movies have been (even at the age of 27 and I suspect until the day I die) the driving force behind my singing, my happiness and my way to keep in contact with my inner child. Who knows, maybe that's why kids love me so much. 

Today is a Disney Day. And not Bambi or Lion King cuz' I'll just bawl my eyes out. It's a Disney Princess day. I plan on singing Part of your World, Under the Sea, Going down the Bayou, Just Around The River Bend, Colours of The Wind, Beauty and The Beast, A Whole New World, Do you Want to Build a Snowman and most of all Let it Go. 

It might not work for everyone but on a bad day like this Disney has always been my pick me upper. It has showed me that singing can take your blues away, even for that moment. 

Disney and its Princesses are my escape, I hope that on bad days you find yours, and once it's a healthy escape, use it, love it, appreciate it with all your heart. I might not sing in public anymore but believe that a bit of singing will go down in this bed and room of isolation today. 

I love and treasure all of you. 

May the road RISE to meet you.

Vernée 💋